Photo Competition: Ugly Alex

Got this idea from Wicked over at True Recovery. I have yet to see Alexander Skarsgard take a bad photo. He just doesn’t seem to have a bad angle. I’d love to be proven wrong, so that I can confirm that he’s human and he’s not one of those impossibly good-looking V aliens, or worse, a figment of my imagination. So readers, go forth and scour the internet and find us an unflattering photo of Mr. Swexy. Email them to singlarity@gmail.com and I’ll post them here next week.

I have a feeling there won’t be any entries, which is fine because that means less work for us.  In the meantime, Alex continues to evade the bad photo police.

IcanhazSkarsgard? Click to enlarge

 

[UPDATE: Looks like there are quite a few unflattering photos of Mr. Swexy in circulation. Stay tuned!!]

The Politicians We’d Shag

If you’ve been paying attention, you might have noticed a common thread among the ladies here. It’s certainly not that we’re all single. Ayn and JoZ have both jumped ship into the ocean (of alternating bliss and frustration) called marriage.  No, the common denominator is our love for shamed, vilified or badass politicians.

Putin riding bareback

Vladimir Putin

Why Ayn loves him? It is rumored that he used to work as an assassin for the KGB. Also, he has the deadliest nipples east of Cairo. His  stare is so intense that one cannot help but disrobe when he nods in your direction. I’d love to see him throw it down with Chief Strong Jaw for Ayn’s honor, but I really like the Chief and want him to live to see 30, just so I can call him “Old Man”.

The governator gets a chemical peel.

Arnold Schwarzenneger

Why swampmusic loves him? Two words – Blue Room. Just ask her if you happen to meet her. It’s a real elbow-burner of a story. The Governator of California is loved for his past playing that famous cyborg sent through time once to kill Sarah Conor, then to save John Conor, then to save John Conor again, and finally to do a naked cameo with all the wrinkles CGIed off his aging ass. Also, swampmusic has a serious obsession with metal. Hence her affection for Dr. Doom, Optimus Prime, Doc Oc, Iron Man, mustangs, tanks …

"I fart in your general direction!"

Rahm Emanuel

Why RetroVixen loves him? What’s not to love? 80% of people in Washington D.C. are afraid of him. The remaining 20% are either related to him or in bed with him. He speaks his mind and isn’t afraid to bitchslap the competition into submission. It’s his take charge attitude, political moxie and the arrogance brimming on insanity that melts RV’s panties at the mere mention of his name. Try not to call her when he’s giving an interview on television. Seriously, don’t call.

What happened to you, bb?

Tony Blair

Why Nibby loves him? Honestly, I don’t have a clue. He’s just … I dunno. Even after his disgraceful handling of the whole “let’s bomb Iraq back into the Stone Age because our f**kbuddy George Bush wants us to” fiasco, Nibs still loves him and was sad to see him replaced by the less visually pleasing Gordon Brown. I am sure there are some women out there who find Gordon Brown attractive, but I’ve yet to meet one.

A Single Gal’s Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Visiting family for Thanksgiving as a single gal? Well, here are some tips I picked up while living in the States that should help to keep you sane or at least make the time pass quickly.

1. Don’t show up empty-handed

Remember to bring lots of empty food containers, so you can cart off lots of leftovers to your barren refrigerator at home. As a single gal, my refrigerator is always understocked. I have no idea why. Yet, my ass keeps expanding. This defies all logic.

Also, bring your own booze and lots of it. While everyone thought I was sneaking off to call my non-existent boyfriend, I was secretly swilling booze from a container I had hidden in the coat closet. Do not judge me!

2. Be mysterious

I always like to show up with a bit of new bling – some shiny pendant, ring or earrings that I bought for myself. Even when I was completely honest and told my relatives that I bought it, they always assumed some man gave it to me, so I’ve just given up trying to convince them of my lonely existence and just smiled coyly when they compliment my non-existent boyfriend on his fine taste.

3.  “He lives in Canada.”

“That’s why he’s not here for Thankgiving. They celebrate theirs in October. I know! Canadians are so weird.” I hear this story works on occasion. I’ve heard it told by others and wondered who they think they’re fooling. Not me, of course. But granny, auntie-disposable-diaper and uncle-bad-touch? It might work on them.

4. Escape to the Kids Table

At the kids table I am Ancient Auntie Cool who knows everything, has been everywhere and has shagged every man to be featured on the cover of GQ. Sometimes being a role model has its perks, like when the little ones offer to mix me my favorite cocktail or fetch me seconds from the buffet table.

5. Leave them wanting more

Be the first to get the heck out of dodge. You don’t want to be one of the last to leave, since you will be expected to help clean up the table, load the dishwasher or possibly drive uncle-bad-touch back to his leather and satin-filled bachelor pad.

Secret Lovers, Part II

You know how Ayn Rant loves Vladimir Putin and I, Nibby, apparently slept with Tony Blair and Peter Jennings (before he died, you sickos!)? Well, swampmusic has her very own bad boyfriend. At Singlarity, we do not judge each others’ choices. We’re supportive and occasionally a catfight will break out. Btw, Ayn, Liev Schreiber is still mine. Never you mind, Naomi Watts.

PRIIIIIIIIIIIME!

I know what you’re thinking. How could this relationship work? He’s several stories tall. He’s alien. He’s made of metal. Technically, he doesn’t exist. If you’ve read our blog before, you know that none of the above are insurmountable obstacles. Marriage, death, questionable sexual orientation, a pair of giant maracas, a stint as an assassin for the KGB, extreme chattiness, excessive use of raspberry lip-gloss, a lack of knowledge of our very existence, … even bag-lady-nails! Ain’t no mountain high enough!

I must add my support for this choice on the grounds that Optimus has obviously good taste in footie teams.

Yes, swampmusic. This is sports.

Stocking Stuffers for Women: The Perfect Balls

Well, the Perfect Tea Ball to be exact. Actually, it’s not even ball-shaped. No need to break out the monocle, swampmusic. This one comes courtesty of me, Nibby, and is available at my favorite tea supplier – Teavana.com.

Can't wait to use this with my rooibos chai!

$13 may seem kinda steep for a tea ball, but if you’re a fussy tea snob like me, you get pretty pissy when the tea grains slip through conventional tea balls and end up in the back of your throat causing you to cough and convulse and possibly spit across the breakfast table. That only happened once though and my ex didn’t hold it against me. It’s not why we broke up. I swear. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s not, but now that you mention it …

Multiple Choice

My cat just urinated on my freshly folded laundry because I ignored him for 5 minutes while folding said laundry. Which of the following sounds like my actual response?

 

A) Screaming hysterically for five minutes before settling into guttural wailing.

 

B) Falling to my knees, beating my chest and tearing at my hair until the physical pain I feel matches the level of my emotional anguish.

 

C) Threatening to have my cat’s balls re-attached just so I can have him neutered again.

 

D) Putting an ad on Kijiji for a lonely person who needs an attention-whoring cat to love. ” Warning: Kitty will suckle at your tit if you fall asleep with your shirt off.”

 

E) All of the above.

Here come the drums …

I woke up this morning with a headache and a fever. While my head was pounding in rhythmic fashion, this tune emerged from memory and now it’s stuck in my head. Thanks, Doctor Who!

I’m definitely feeling some bad juju right now.

Christian Kane … mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

RetroVixen’s new crush. Well, it’s not a new crush for her, but it’s new to me (Nibs). RetroVixen, I appreciate what you have shown me here.

Photo sources: c_kanedaily at LiveJournal and ChristianKaneCorner

Separated at Birth? Zack Attack!

The smiles are eerily similar, as is the ridiculous amount of faded denim.

Current crush, meet my old crush. Talk amongst yourselves.

Photo source: SkarsgardNews.com

Need to get rid of that itch?

So I’ve been itching to call my ex lately. No idea why. I don’t want him back because a) he’s a jerk and b) he has a really small penis. Still, I have this desire to know what’s happened to him. He’s just dropped off the face of my world, which is what exes do, I suppose.

swampmusic (a.k.a. Dr. Crotch) sent me this as a solution and it is much appreciated. Sometimes you need Dr. Crotch to set you straight. Dr. Phil should take notes from this guy.

I now have visions of my ex as some really horrid yeast infection. Mission accomplished.