I need to relax

Online dating is a minefield and lately I’ve been feeling a bit gun-shy. I’ve oscillated between feelings of depression and anger. A couple weeks ago I was so angry and depressed I didn’t even feel like shopping. No, seriously. Didn’t last very long though. Thank God, because I needed a new handbag, so I bought two. I had to just end communication with “Soldier Boy” because, as it turns out, he’s a coward. Road side attacks, land mines, suicide bombers are no problem. Meeting a woman in person is a problem. Same thing happened to me with this hotel manager. Had to just cut him off because he said he was “scared to meet because we might like each other too much.” WTF? Sounded like a really cheesy line to me or he’s probably married and looking to get his jollies online.

That led to a late night of me just closing matches in a fit of rage. Anyone that even looked suspiciously cowardly or douchebaggy got axed. Didn’t fully complete your profile? Axed. Prefer not to say if you want kids? Axed. Prefer not to say if you smoke? Axed. Does not drink? Axed. Can’t remember the last book you read? Axed. Doesn’t watch television? Axed. The thing you are most grateful for is your job because you are a workaholic? Axed. Listing your ex-wife as the person that has most influenced you? Axed. I think I axed like 11 matches. I felt awful afterwards but I was just going insane. Well, I am insane.

I have to thank my friends for helping me to get my shit back together. I want to thank Ayn Rant and K for reminding me what dating is really about – free dinner and possibly a movie. Yes, I’m old-fashioned or cheap. Take your pick. When you go on a date you should expect nothing more than free dinner or at least a free drink. Don’t go in looking for anything more than that, like for the guy to be the one. Your only goal should be to get to know this person and see if there’s potential for maybe another date (and another free meal).

So, I’m just going to chill, try to have fun and get some free food and alcohol. Things are beginning to look up already. Now for a relaxing soak in the tub.

The water looks warm and inviting.

True Advice: Romantic Entanglements

After watching two seasons of True Blood, I think I have learned a thing or two about relationships, or rather how not to act while in a relationship.

Tip #1: Never tell your significant other that you will always be together and that nothing can get between you.

"No power in the 'verse!"

That’s the equivalent of challenging the universe and the universe is bigger than you and your lover and so you will always lose. Just be happy with the time that you have together. Instead tell your significant other that you enjoy every second you have together and that you should not take a second for granted. Ever notice that just as you’re feeling that your love is epic and the stuff that legends are made of, an ex will show up on the scene just to confuse you or to cause trouble.

Tip #2: Never gloat in front of your romantic rival and tell him/her to admit defeat until you’ve “put a ring on it.”

Never count the tall blond out.

Once again, you are waking a sleeping giant (in Eric’s case he’s literally a giant) who obviously loves a challenge. Backing your romantic rival into a corner leads to some extreme and devious behavior. Just ask Lorena. Don’t always assume that he or she will play by the same code or rules like you. Also, if your romantic rival is older, wiser and way hotter, you might want to wait till the game clock has run out before you’ve declared victory.

Tip #3: Don’t be over-zealous especially in the early days of a relationship

She's his momma! Where are you from?

Being too keen can be considered a serious turn off. It’s perfectly fine to bring flowers when meeting parental figures but it’s probably going a bit overboard to murder someone in the name of your loved one when you’ve been dating for less than 2 weeks. Also, biting his mother is usually a no-no, no matter how much she deserved it.

Tip #4: Black outs are never a good sign

Tara loved her scrambled Eggs

If you find that you have significant gaps in your memory whenever you get together with your new love, it’s probably a good time to rethink the whole deal. Maybe a little time a part will be useful. If the blackouts are accompanied by mysterious bruises and tell-tale signs of sexual activity, it’s time to run and possibly get a restraining order.

Tip #5: Don’t be in a rush to exchange bodily fluids

Those lips taste like lies!

Or have sex on a pool table. There’s a reason they say only fools rush in. Extreme loneliness is a piss poor excuse for exercising such lack of judgment. If you do decide to go for it early on, don’t get greedy (and drink several pints of his blood), take it slow. So what if the freckles in your eyes are mirror images and when you kiss they’re perfectly aligned? It’s time to come down now to reality. No one is perfect. Paranoia can be healthy in small doses.

Tip #6: Sometimes you need to let go

Unbreak my heart

After spending many years together (like a millennium, for example) you will see that your relationship will evolve, with periods of heightened attraction followed by lulls only for things to get spicy again. To everything there is a season, a beginning and an end. Eventually you will have to go your separate ways. Maybe it will be a mutual decision. Maybe you’ll be pushed away. Maybe death will separate you. However it happens, you need to make your peace with it. Cry blood if you must, but life goes on.

Tip #7: Sometimes you need to have faith

Without trust there can be no love.

I know I said earlier that paranoia is healthy in small doses, but sometimes you need to give your significant other a chance to earn your trust and prove his- or herself. There’s no point in being in a relationship if you just intend to hide your heart away in a vault and lose the combination. At some point you have to let the right one in.

Photo source: Blood Bonds

The 2009 Boob Report

Welcome to the the 2009 Boob Report – The State of the Brassiere. The world economy is still supported by the rise and fall of breasts, wouldn’t you know it.

Remember the time RetroVixen got stuck under her bed because of her large mammary glands? Incidents such as these are apparently not that uncommon, although less common than men getting their members stuck in things and requiring paramedics. Why do breasts get so much attention? Why does a decent bra have to cost so much? Isn’t a decent-fitting bra a basic human right? Also, shouldn’t I have the right to let things loose if I want to (not that I do because it’s actually quite uncomfortable to run after the garbage truck bra-less)?

I don’t have babies to breast feed, so right now my breasts are just hanging out like free-riding roommates that refuse to clean up their side of the apartment or even spring for pizza once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for what I’ve been given and the fact that they’re not yet at my knees or look like pancakes with melted butter on top is a reason to give thanks. Still, they’re uneven, require maintenance, cause discomfort, get me into trouble at church, and wear out expensive bras faster than Glenn Beck alienates sponsors.

I’m a recovering shopaholic. Well, recovering in a relative sense meaning that I still buy unnecessary things but now I have a weekly budget on such purchases, except for the odd time when I need to feel better, or there’s a sale and then there’s no cap on my expenditure but that doesn’t happen that often, honest and who the f*@$ are you to judge me! Right. My point is that the thought of bra shopping is very sobering for me. It’s enough to make me put my platinum credit card back in my wallet. I HATE IT.

Some girls like to buy frilly, lacy, padded breast-decoration. I prefer something that lifts, separates, does not itch, hides my nipples, and has reinforced stitching so that the damned underwire doesn’t pop out and impale me in my armpits. In the scheme of things, I am not asking for much. I’ve had breasts now for over two decades, and the only bra that I have found that has met all my requirements isn’t from Victoria’s Secret or Maidenform or whatever. It’s a department store knock-off of VS’s t-shirt bras – JCPenney’s Ambrielle line. My breasts actually get happy when they know it’s time to put on one of these. So far, I haven’t had any wardrobe malfunctions with these, like the time I was at church and flashed the pastor, or the time I was at a Sci-Fi convention and flashed Admiral Caine. I should charge admission, really.

Anyway, in honor of this year’s Boob Report, here are a couple sites to check out:

10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Girl with Huge Boobs

You probably shouldn’t say these things compiled by Asylum.com to a man with huge boobs either. Men can be sensitive about their man-boobs. To the list I would also add “I could swear that your right one is bigger” and “Can I name the twins/girls?”

People Caught Looking

thechive.com has a gallery of photos of individuals, from children to politicians, caught staring at cleavage. Sometimes it cannot be helped. I’ve not only been caught but I’ve been caught staring at my own cleavage. Think about that for a minute.

Product Reviews: It smells strongly of Fruitloops

RetroVixen’s latest

There’s a product I use called CoQ10 Cleansing Milk by Avalon Organics. It’s a cleanser for normal to dry skin (they have one for oily skin too, but they call it a cleansing gel), and it’s also an excellent makeup remover. The reason why I bought this is because I got a book this past Christmas by Dr. Oz called “YOU: Being Beautiful“. It offers all kinds of advice for both physical and inner beauty. Of course being crazy about skincare I read his advice on what to use, and he suggested using products that have CoQ10. The site for the Avalon Organics products says that CoQ10 “is an essential antioxidant that is the energy source for new cells and smooth, firm skin. It is found in every living cell of your body and is an important factor in maintaining youthful, healthy skin.”

The cleanser is great, and I use it whenever I wear makeup. While some people have complained that it breaks them out, I’ve had no problems with it (and I’ve got super sensitive skin). If you guys want to try it, buy it from Whole Foods. Their return policy is amazing. You can return any skincare you buy from there, no questions asked! The cleanser is priced at $12.99, but a little goes a long way. This will last you a while! There’s only one downside to this cleanser, though. The smell can be a bit overwhelming. In my opinion, it smells strongly of Fruit Loops. Seriously! So if the smell of Fruit Loops bothers you, stay away from this.

The other day I bought Illuminance Crème Shadow from Revlon. I’m pretty sure I got the Sea Shells set, but whatever set you get from this line….you will be disappointed. It promises not to crease, but it does. It promises to stay on, but….it’s only fairly successful. It won’t break your wallet though. Four shadows are in each set, and I got it at Target for $4.85. The colors are beautiful, but they’re EXTREMELY sheer. They say you can build up the color, but you can’t. So if you really want some sheer eyeshadows, this is the product for you. Just remember that it does crease!

“Look! Dick!”

Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about the perils of online dating and why under no circumstances is it a good idea to offer photos of your dick as an appetizer for things to come. No. No matter how lonely, horny, desperate or starved for attention you are, don’t do it. Before you click send, and send over the internet nasty photos of yourself to some random person you’ve known online for 30 seconds, think of the many many ways this could end badly.

To put this all into context, I suppose we should start at the beginning which innocently enough starts with me, Nibby, signing up on e-Harmony and Lavalife to meet new people and of course relegate my ex-boyfriend to a distant memory. A perfectly normal response to being unceremoniously dumped (Yes, I’m still bitter!), in my opinion.

How to do “slutty” right

I think if you’re going to let slutty enter your wardrobe at any point, the only place is in your shoe rack. I always notice on What Not To Wear, when they’re trying to tame down some of their trashiest clients, they tell them that they can let their personality come out in their shoes. They don’t need to wear leopard print all over their bodies, but leopard print pumps are awesome – Rrrrrrrowl!!!!! I believe the word is FIERCE! Pumps, not knee-high boots, mind you. Julia Roberts did a whole generation of women a serious disservice in Pretty Woman. I remember when all of my pre-teen friends started dressing hooker-chic and their mothers didn’t seem to care. My mother cared and I cared, because if the reward for dressing like that is Richard Gere, I’d rather wear a large sack down to my toes and a hood over my head. Back away you Dalai-Lama-worshiping, Shilpa-Shetty-kissing freak with the salt-n-pepper hair and squinty-eyes!