Faux News: Canadians too polite to call PM an asshole

“Oh, I know [Stephen Harper] and his government have pissed on our democracy and ruined many lives but I just don’t think I could bring myself to say that word. It’s not the Canadian way,” said Mildred Peuce of Moncton, New Brunswick. “I might say ‘dick’ when I see him on TV, but I might need a few shots first.”

In a little over a month, Canada will hold its fourth general election in 7 years. Voter turnout was so low in the last election in 2008 that scholars and political analysts have been scratching their heads trying to understand this alarming trend of voter apathy and what it means for Canada. Why are Canadians sticking their collective heads in the sand when the stakes are so high?

“We really don’t have much of a choice these days. Why waste your energy trying to replace one douchebag with another? You might as well just keep the douchebag you have,” said Sydney Pollard of Edmonton, Alberta. Like Sydney, many voters feel that the Liberals, NDP and Bloc Quebecois have not provided strong opposition. They argue that the opposition has failed to prevent the Harper Government from dropping trousers and taking a dump on parliament and thus do not deserve to be given increased support. While most people respond favorably to Green Party leader, Elizabeth May, many don’t see much merit in casting a vote for the Green Party.  May was recently excluded by the major television networks from the televised debates to be held next month.

“That party is about as real as the ring from a Cracker Jack box,” argued Bruce Boeckler. Bruce would know. Last week he tried to propose to girlfriend of 9 years, Sarah, with such a ring and received a shocking response. “When I got out of surgery after they removed the ring from my anus, I realized just how unappealing my proposal and the Green Party are.”

So with few choices, can anyone really be shocked by the declining voter interest?

Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or dead, is for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

 

Faux News: Canadian government to hold elections in May so as to not be overshadowed by US Presidential Election

The folks at Elections Canada are jumping for joy! Not having a general election at the same time the US is holding Presidential or mid-term elections is a boon for Canadian politics, which have been largely ignored at the national and international level. Conservative MP Mort Bullsheath explains:

“We knew we had to act quickly by proposing the most ridiculous federal budget ever, thus forcing the opposition parties to push for a vote of no confidence. It’s all a part of the big plan to get Canada some decent international attention. Last time we held elections in 2008, no one really noticed, not even Canadians. To add insult to injury, some of those people that went to the polls wanted to vote for Obama and were royally pissed when they couldn’t.”

Babsy Braine of  Elections Canada outlined their strategy:

“We are determined to learn from our past mistakes. Last time, we had two grey-haired, polite and intelligent white guys as the head of the major parties. No one wants to see that shit this time around. If we could just get some lively personalities and debates going, we could really make a dent. We could even get mentioned on the third page of some Australian newspapers. We are currently searching for our very own Michelle Bachman but finding a big-breasted Canadian woman with a low IQ is proving difficult. “

The general public for the most part is not convinced that anything will change this time around. Most polls show that the majority of Canadians care more about the Royal Wedding in April than the upcoming general election. Mario Simpleton echoed this sentiment.

“Let’s face it. [Prime Minister] Stephen Harper can’t compete with a princess bride with cute dimples.”

I am inclined to agree.

 

Prime Minister Stephen Harper tries to sneak one out ...

Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or dead, is for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

O Canada!

I just have one thing to say: Thank you, Canada.

Taylor Kitsch

Ryan Reynolds

Ryan Gosling

Nathan Fillion

Joshua Jackson

O Canada

As the resident Canuck, I had to post this. I just had to.

Okay, so now that the Olympics are over, can I have more True Blood? Please. Now!