I need to relax

Online dating is a minefield and lately I’ve been feeling a bit gun-shy. I’ve oscillated between feelings of depression and anger. A couple weeks ago I was so angry and depressed I didn’t even feel like shopping. No, seriously. Didn’t last very long though. Thank God, because I needed a new handbag, so I bought two. I had to just end communication with “Soldier Boy” because, as it turns out, he’s a coward. Road side attacks, land mines, suicide bombers are no problem. Meeting a woman in person is a problem. Same thing happened to me with this hotel manager. Had to just cut him off because he said he was “scared to meet because we might like each other too much.” WTF? Sounded like a really cheesy line to me or he’s probably married and looking to get his jollies online.

That led to a late night of me just closing matches in a fit of rage. Anyone that even looked suspiciously cowardly or douchebaggy got axed. Didn’t fully complete your profile? Axed. Prefer not to say if you want kids? Axed. Prefer not to say if you smoke? Axed. Does not drink? Axed. Can’t remember the last book you read? Axed. Doesn’t watch television? Axed. The thing you are most grateful for is your job because you are a workaholic? Axed. Listing your ex-wife as the person that has most influenced you? Axed. I think I axed like 11 matches. I felt awful afterwards but I was just going insane. Well, I am insane.

I have to thank my friends for helping me to get my shit back together. I want to thank Ayn Rant and K for reminding me what dating is really about – free dinner and possibly a movie. Yes, I’m old-fashioned or cheap. Take your pick. When you go on a date you should expect nothing more than free dinner or at least a free drink. Don’t go in looking for anything more than that, like for the guy to be the one. Your only goal should be to get to know this person and see if there’s potential for maybe another date (and another free meal).

So, I’m just going to chill, try to have fun and get some free food and alcohol. Things are beginning to look up already. Now for a relaxing soak in the tub.

The water looks warm and inviting.

“Look! Dick!”

Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about the perils of online dating and why under no circumstances is it a good idea to offer photos of your dick as an appetizer for things to come. No. No matter how lonely, horny, desperate or starved for attention you are, don’t do it. Before you click send, and send over the internet nasty photos of yourself to some random person you’ve known online for 30 seconds, think of the many many ways this could end badly.

To put this all into context, I suppose we should start at the beginning which innocently enough starts with me, Nibby, signing up on e-Harmony and Lavalife to meet new people and of course relegate my ex-boyfriend to a distant memory. A perfectly normal response to being unceremoniously dumped (Yes, I’m still bitter!), in my opinion.