I can do bad all by myself

I quit eHarmony today. I’ve been on for over 18 months. I’ve put in time and effort. I’ve been honest and open-minded. Not one single match led to even a cup of coffee or a date much less free dinner and a movie. It would be one thing if I actually had met someone in person as a result, but even that did not happen. I kept being matched with douchebags that wanted phone sex and to cheat on their wives or were too chickenshit to leave their mother’s basement to meet me. I can have the same success rate or better left to my own devices. In fact, I’ve gotten more dates from outside of eHarmony since signing up and handing over my credit card to them, so I guess this was a long time coming.

I have friends who have found happiness on there, so I’m not saying it’s all bullshit and useless. It’s just bullshit and useless when it comes to me. I don’t like talking to a guy for 2 months via email, text message and instant messenger only for him to just disappear or worse, he wants to keep things as is with no end in sight. I need to meet someone pretty early on and decide whether we have chemistry or not. eHarmony and the like seems to be a way for some guys to string you along and for what?  The whole set up was making me question my self-worth. It had me contemplating buying myself a really top of the line vibrator and calling it a day. I’m way too hot for that bullshit and you know it.

F*ck you eHarmony and the child-molester-look-a-like you have pimpin’ your wares. I can do bad all by myself and I will.

According to Facebook, this is the song of my life. Um, I don’t see it.

Cracking up, part II

Some gems from email, facebook and some of my favorite websites that I came across this week.

“I can’t imagine what he could do that could be so scandalous. Unless he was like, nude with a snake or something.”

- RetroVixen’s Mom on Adam Lambert

“You never know about those glam rockers…..”

- swampmusic on Adam Lambert nude with a snake

At some point during this photo shoot he was nude

“The Cold Truth: It’s a numbers game, and if you date enough, one of them is going to work.”

- Ayn Rant on Online Dating

“Do you have to wear a paper bag over your head when you masturbate?”

- Ayn’s hubby to some unfortunate dude.

“Can I call him Chief Anti-Masturbation Agent next?”

- Nibby’s special request of Ayn’s husband

“That was the worst part of being single: married people giving you advice on how to be as miserable as they were.”

- Ayn

“Ernest Hemingway is a guy that was so manly you grow a beard just reading his name.”

- Cracked.com

Photo source: Warming Glow

“I want to break his shades, shit on the pieces and then launch them into outer space. I am only reacting the way David Caruso would to David Caruso.”

- Nibby

“OMG. WHO CHASES TORNADOES ON A BIKE?”

- swampmusic on Balloon Boy’s Dad’s odd hobbies

“I think the ugly-photo guy is actually cuter in the face than [the other] dude, or would be if he’d shave his head and get in shape. Either way — dinner’s on them.”

- Ayn Rant on Nibby’s dating options.

“Jay Leno’s show is a sign that NBC has quit the gym, stopped shaving her legs, bought elastic-waisted pants, and let herself go.”

- Nibby

“LOOK AT IT. IT’S LIKE ITS OWN ENTITY.”

- swampmusic on Freddie Mercury’s pornstache.

Prince of the Pornstache Universe

I need to relax

Online dating is a minefield and lately I’ve been feeling a bit gun-shy. I’ve oscillated between feelings of depression and anger. A couple weeks ago I was so angry and depressed I didn’t even feel like shopping. No, seriously. Didn’t last very long though. Thank God, because I needed a new handbag, so I bought two. I had to just end communication with “Soldier Boy” because, as it turns out, he’s a coward. Road side attacks, land mines, suicide bombers are no problem. Meeting a woman in person is a problem. Same thing happened to me with this hotel manager. Had to just cut him off because he said he was “scared to meet because we might like each other too much.” WTF? Sounded like a really cheesy line to me or he’s probably married and looking to get his jollies online.

That led to a late night of me just closing matches in a fit of rage. Anyone that even looked suspiciously cowardly or douchebaggy got axed. Didn’t fully complete your profile? Axed. Prefer not to say if you want kids? Axed. Prefer not to say if you smoke? Axed. Does not drink? Axed. Can’t remember the last book you read? Axed. Doesn’t watch television? Axed. The thing you are most grateful for is your job because you are a workaholic? Axed. Listing your ex-wife as the person that has most influenced you? Axed. I think I axed like 11 matches. I felt awful afterwards but I was just going insane. Well, I am insane.

I have to thank my friends for helping me to get my shit back together. I want to thank Ayn Rant and K for reminding me what dating is really about – free dinner and possibly a movie. Yes, I’m old-fashioned or cheap. Take your pick. When you go on a date you should expect nothing more than free dinner or at least a free drink. Don’t go in looking for anything more than that, like for the guy to be the one. Your only goal should be to get to know this person and see if there’s potential for maybe another date (and another free meal).

So, I’m just going to chill, try to have fun and get some free food and alcohol. Things are beginning to look up already. Now for a relaxing soak in the tub.

The water looks warm and inviting.

“Look! Dick!”

Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about the perils of online dating and why under no circumstances is it a good idea to offer photos of your dick as an appetizer for things to come. No. No matter how lonely, horny, desperate or starved for attention you are, don’t do it. Before you click send, and send over the internet nasty photos of yourself to some random person you’ve known online for 30 seconds, think of the many many ways this could end badly.

To put this all into context, I suppose we should start at the beginning which innocently enough starts with me, Nibby, signing up on e-Harmony and Lavalife to meet new people and of course relegate my ex-boyfriend to a distant memory. A perfectly normal response to being unceremoniously dumped (Yes, I’m still bitter!), in my opinion.