“Look! Dick!”

Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about the perils of online dating and why under no circumstances is it a good idea to offer photos of your dick as an appetizer for things to come. No. No matter how lonely, horny, desperate or starved for attention you are, don’t do it. Before you click send, and send over the internet nasty photos of yourself to some random person you’ve known online for 30 seconds, think of the many many ways this could end badly.

To put this all into context, I suppose we should start at the beginning which innocently enough starts with me, Nibby, signing up on e-Harmony and Lavalife to meet new people and of course relegate my ex-boyfriend to a distant memory. A perfectly normal response to being unceremoniously dumped (Yes, I’m still bitter!), in my opinion.

She Puts Booze In Her Cupcakes*

Hey you, Party Girl! Saw you last night on the way to the washroom. I wasn’t sure whether you were on your way to blow chunks or to blow some guy, so I didn’t bother to say “Hello!” We’re not really friends but we seem to bump into each other every time I’m out bar-hopping. Then again, you go out every night, so I was bound to see you. I just thought I’d let you know that people aren’t saying nice things about you. They certainly aren’t saying the same nice things they say to your face like, “Baby, you’re so hot when you drink!” or “You have the perfect navel for body shots!”, or my personal favourite “It’s okay, you can barf on my junk when you’re done.” I won’t repeat the nasty stuff I’ve heard. I know you’re hungover ears couldn’t deal with that right now. Maybe after you pick yourself off the floor of this truck stop restroom and wipe the smudged mascara that’s surrounding your bloodshot eyes, we could have a little chat over some really really strong coffee and I could take you down to the ER so someone could take a look at that infected tattoo on your ankle. Yeah, I’m a saint and I love the view from my high horse, but you know honey, I’m not the one with a used condom stuck to her inner-thigh.

*Title courtesy of Retro Vixen’s mom, The Cross Crusader