Why I can’t say “I love you”

18 Aug

Is it cowardice? Maybe. Are my fears justified? Definitely. When you’re in a relationship that based mostly on actions and very few words, you just don’t throw in those three little words without some serious thought. Three little words. They’re only little in length, not in significance. They’re deal-makers and heart-breakers. There’s a part of me that wants to be the first to say it and then there’s the other part of me that wants to be first to hear it. Does it matter? Does a wild bear crap in the woods? It’s been some time now since my heart has been saying it and it won’t shut the frak up. It keeps beating it out, taunting me and haunting me. “Say it,” my heart whispers every time I end a phone conversation, every time I pull away from a goodbye kiss and every time I curl up next to him. It’s as if there’s no other sound in the room except my impatient beating heart. For now I’m ignoring it and bide my time. I’m waiting for the perfect moment. I’m waiting till we’re both drunk.

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