“Look! Dick!”

13 Dec

Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about the perils of online dating and why under no circumstances is it a good idea to offer photos of your dick as an appetizer for things to come. No. No matter how lonely, horny, desperate or starved for attention you are, don’t do it. Before you click send, and send over the internet nasty photos of yourself to some random person you’ve known online for 30 seconds, think of the many many ways this could end badly.

To put this all into context, I suppose we should start at the beginning which innocently enough starts with me, Nibby, signing up on e-Harmony and Lavalife to meet new people and of course relegate my ex-boyfriend to a distant memory. A perfectly normal response to being unceremoniously dumped (Yes, I’m still bitter!), in my opinion.

I decided on e-Harmony because I have a couple of friends who have had some success with it and because it seemed like they were making an effort, beyond posting your location and photo, to match people on several points of compatibility. Yes, the ads got to me. Lavalife’s three degrees – Dating, Relationship and Intimate Encounters (yikes!) – seemed to offer some means of distinguishing myself or finding the right person. So, I went in with medium hopes. Boy was I wrong on both counts.

First of all, e-Harmony seemed to match me with guys simply based on their proximity and age, and nothing else. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want a match that smoked more than a few times a year. It didn’t matter that I specifically said I didn’t want someone who was obsessed with working out. There’s keeping fit and there’s narcissism and a whole lot of room in between. e-Harmony kept sending me matches that either smoked several packs a day, liked to work out 2-3 hours per day or smoked several packs a day while on a treadmill. I kid you not.

Meanwhile, Lavalife turned out to be the biggest waste of time and the most dangerous. Some dude IMed me and it turned out that we work at the same place. Not the worst thing in the world if he turned out to be a nice guy. We agreed to meet in the future for coffee. I was actually looking forward to that and I asked people who knew him what he was like. They all had nice things to say but expressed a concern that maybe he wasn’t the “Alpha-male” I was looking for – a not so subtle reference to my ex. To which I responded that maybe I what I need right now is the “anti-Alpha-male”. Remember, I’m trying to make the wanker a distant memory, not find his clone. Like I said, I was hopeful.

A day later, I was up pretty late on the PC and the dude from Lavalife IMed me. The conversation went pretty much like this. [RetroVixen helped out a lot in characterizing the dialog in order to shorten the actual conversation.]

Dude: Hey, how are you?
Me: Good. You?
Dude: Great. Do you want me to come over so we can have amazing sex? Where do you live?
Me: Er, what? You don’t even know me.
Dude: I know. Just being forward. You’re up. I’m up. Thought I’d give it a try.
Me: No. I’d prefer to take things really really slowly. That means going out to dinner, a movie, some sporting event but at minimum meeting on neutral ground just in case you’re a psycho.
Dude: That makes perfect sense. I’m not a psycho. So now can I come over?
Me: NO! You’re not listening.
Dude: Okay. Okay. How about you tell me something about yourself to help my fantasies? Are you a thong kind of girl?
Me: Granny panties. Disposables if I’ve been drinking.
Dude: Sexy! Do you want to know more about me?
Me: No, um, not like that. Thanks. Not to sound snooty, but I’d rather know what else is going on between your ears than see a picture of between your legs.
Dude: I’m glad you wish to know me more on an intellectual level, but look! Dick! I also have 8×10 pictures.
Me: I‘m tired. I’d better go.
Dude: Okay. See you soon.
Me: Bye

I’ve since blocked him and am now dreading seeing him at work. If you knew you were talking to someone that worked where you worked, would you behave in this manner?

Retrovixen‘s take:

This man has no idea how to speak to women. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has little experience with the opposite gender. Most men would never get a girlfriend, much less laid with this kind of talk. It’s all, “Hey there! How are you? That’s great, well, here’s my dick, what do you think? I’m glad you wish to know me more on an intellectual level, but look! Dick! I also have 8×10 pictures.”

Is it just me or do men treat women differently online? It’s like they’re more bold and feel more confident to say stupid offensive shit since you’re not speaking to them in person. They would say things online that they would never say in real life. They would get slapped!

AynRant‘s take:

Online dating is a crap-shoot … I’m glad you’re willing to try!! [A friend] said something interesting to me about eHarmony: it’s a numbers game. If you go out with enough men, eventually one will work and that’s all it takes.. He’ll share your goals, want to be with you, that will be that.

In any case, don’t worry about the horndogs because as you know, there’s a lot more frogs than princes: “I’m saying there’s a whole lot of nobodies.” But it only takes one. And he’s yours. And he is out there. And you rock. And he’ll know it.

Don’t give up heart. It’s just the numbers … play the numbers and one will win.

swampmusic‘s take:

Holy shit!! That’s why I’m afraid to try online dating! I’m really not sure what you can do…at least at work you have a lot of people around. Maybe just act batshit insane from here on out…try to scare him off?


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