Singles Awareness Day: It’s just around the corner

31 Jan

There’s probably no other single day of the year on which you are more painfully aware of your single status than on February 14th – Single Awareness Day to some, Valentine’s Day (VD) to others. Thanks to Hallmark, Carlton and American Greetings, you probably became aware of the impending festival of loneliness the second the Christmas and New Year’s decorations came down.

Every store you enter is currently covered in red and pink heart-shaped crap you didn’t even know you wanted. Perfume bottles. Assorted chocolate boxes. Plush toys. Earrings. Leather chaps with heart-shaped ass … holes. Heart-shaped ass-less chaps just doesn’t get the point across. Marshmallow-scented soap. Cat-treats. Nipple rings. All heart-shaped. All pink. All fluffy.

You probably even had “Get a boyfriend by Valentine’s Day” as a top item on your list of New Year’s resolutions. Well, for those of you who are staring failure in the face when it comes to that resolution, don’t despair. Put down the razor blade. Step away from the HäagenDazs. I have just the remedy.

I plan to have the most awesome, soul-building, ex-boyfriend-detoxifying, unromantic and fun-filled Singles Awareness Day (from here on referred to as SAD) in the history of singledom. Well, my singledom, anyway. It’s all relative, you know.

I don’t plan to actually leave my house on SAD. This year it falls on a Saturday, so I don’t have the excuse of working late and avoiding VD-inspired PDAs and VIDEACTS (for those unaware, this stands for Vomit-Inducing Displays of Excessive Affection to Compensate for Treating each other like Shit for the rest of the year). I am going to do all my preparatory work on Friday night, so that I can get up on Saturday and just dive into the most awesome, soul-building, ex-boyfriend-detoxifying, unromantic and fun-filled SAD in the history of my singledom.

Three Easy Steps:

1. Taking care of my body from head-to-toe: hot oil for my hair, hair-removal (beard and stache be gone!), exfoliation of my entire body, soaking in the bath tub until I am as wrinkled as Larry King, manicure, pedicure, pedi-paws (gotta work my kittens in there somewhere), yoga-lates and free weights, and finally a Mediterranean menu of goodies.

2. Taking care of my mind: I am going to write myself a two-page love letter, reminding myself that I’m a rock star, and that you know who is tool while I listen to Pink and Katy Perry in the background. Then I’m going to re-read the Prisoner of Zenda – a book my mother gave to me as a child and one of my favourites. I was going to choose Wuthering Heights but I just don’t feel like bitching about Cathy Linton née Earnshaw for the entire afternoon. What a pill?!

3. Reminding myself what great men are like – World War II movie marathon, with a few favourite episodes of Band of Brothers and Generation Kill thrown in for good measure. Between Major Winters and Sgt. Colbert, I think I’ll be swooned out just in time for bed.

So now that I have a plan and something to look forward to for SAD, I’m not dreading it. So, I think that’s the best defense you can have for the festival of loneliness. I’m still open to finding someone but I’m not feeling anxious or desperate about SAD and the requisite questions from my mother about when I’m going to make her a grandmother, why it seems I’ve given up and could it be that I’m a lesbian*. I think this year I’ll just tell her that I’ve made an appointment with a sperm bank in Toronto, and see if that gets her off my back at least until my birthday.

_______________________________

*You probably should have a cheeky answer planned for that person in your life that nags you about your single status on SAD/VD.

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3 Responses to “Singles Awareness Day: It’s just around the corner”

  1. elegantextracts February 1, 2009 at 6:28 am #

    Hi. Larry. Us. I like your attitude! I’m going to send this link to someone I know who just went though a break-up. This sure beats me sending her inappropriate jokes about hitmen and suggesting copious amounts of alcohol.

  2. sospokesaroj February 10, 2009 at 4:49 am #

    Haha VIDEACTS, absolutely brilliant. 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Shhhh! Don’t tell Hallmark! « Singlarity: Single Hilarity - February 12, 2009

    […] @ 2:53 am Knowing them, they’ll have cards out for next year. Given my post about Singles Awareness Day, I thought it fitting that we should participate in the Singles Awareness Day […]

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