Gas: The Downside of Being A Vegetarian

7 May

That’s the title I want to suggest for a new publication that would highlight the pitfalls and misconceptions about being a vegetarian. I should clarify, I’m not a vegetarian, although I’ve dabbled in it a bit, but Ayn Rant is committed to it, so she could speak to this better than I ever could. I sometimes go weeks without meat just because I get a little bored with beef, pork and chicken or I get too lazy to deal with the amount of mastication required to consume meat. I kid you not. My jaws do get tired and lazy. Ask my ex-boyfriend.

Five Things I have learned about being a vegetarian from not actually being a vegetarian but being a vegetarian of convenience (e.g. when new crush is a vegetarian):

1. Being a vegetarian does not mean consuming copious amounts of carbs like pasta and bread. It actually requires you to eat VEGETABLES and it’s probably a good idea to eat the leafy green kind.

2. Don’t over do it with the soy meat-substitutes. Eat too much meatless meatballs and you could find yourself the main source of natural gas for the entire district in which you live. Same goes for peas and beans. You may want to keep the Beano handy and rooms well ventilated at all times.

3. One day, for no apparent reason you will find yourself fantasizing about sausages – really thick and long Polish sausages. This might have more to do with long periods of celibacy (as a result of #2) than vegetarianism. There will be times when you feel like going back to meat and the temptation just seems to great (well, for me it actually was too great). So you really need to be serious about this lifestyle change (which I wasn’t) for it to stick.

4. Peanut Butter is your best friend … right up until you get seriously constipated. Peanut butter is a great source of protein. It’s low in carbohydrates but it “sticks to your ribs” and fills you up. If you’ve got too much fiber in your diet from all the veggies, peanut butter is the perfect counter to all of that. However, do not go overboard. Sometimes the cure can be worse than the problem. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had peanut-butter-induced constipation.

5. Try not to be a douchebag to your friends and give them plenty of notice that you’re now a vegetarian. What if you’ve been a meat-eating fiend for the majority of your friendships and suddenly make the change, ruining “buffalo wings night” and nixing trips to Burger World? If you are invited over for dinner, it’s good to let the hosts know the score pretty early on. Friends naturally want to be supportive and understanding, so give them a chance to do just that. It doesn’t help though, if you’re a vegetarian of convenience and none of your friends think this veggie thing will stick. Then, they might just chuckle and roll their eyes at you. Erm, yeah, that’s never happened to me.


3 Responses to “Gas: The Downside of Being A Vegetarian”

  1. Ayn Rant May 8, 2009 at 5:21 pm #

    From the veg-head…

    1) Yeah, you have to eat more vegetables — specifically, ones with high fiber, iron and protein. Color, variety and combinations are your friends. You will also need a dietary supplement/daily multivitamin, which even meat eaters should be taking. I take daily: vitamin C, iron, women’s multivitamin, joint-strength, and evening primrose and fish oil. Seems like alot, but it’s become part of my routine, like having breakfast or brushing my teeth. As always, consult your doctor.

    2) Soy meat substitute farts smell just as bad as meat farts. Trust. Me. Beans and nuts are great, but can carry a lot of fat. A little goes a long way, so read your labels for serving sizes.

    3) Meat Relapse is true, because let’s face it, bacon is delicious. I might do this if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve been a vegetarian so long I get physically ill now if I eat it. Like having a baby, I’ll forget the pain and probably want this again in the future, then realize afterward why it sucked the first time. Haha.

    4) The BEST low cal & low fat brand of PB I’ve found so far is Naturally More peanut butter, which has Omega-3, more protein and twice the fiber — conveniently located at your local Wal*Mart. DEEElicous, too. PB absolutely will constipate you though, especially if you haven’t had it in a while! Again, high in fat, so watch the serving sizes; two tablespoons is the standard serving size for most peanut butter.

    5) Really, don’t be a douchebag. If you’ve made that choice for yourself, don’t force it on other people — or look down on them like you’ve found the frakking meaning to life. Converts always want to preach and proselytize, and MAN is that annoying. Also, if you’re not going to stick with it but want to do it for a while, keeping it to yourself is the best way to go — the “no harm, no foul” rule — unless it TOTALLY impresses the guy you’re after, then milk that shiz for all it’s worth.


  2. D November 20, 2010 at 1:16 am #

    Just a quick note to say that Beano contains Gelatin which is boiled animal parts and bones, so it is not vegetarian.

    -A strict vegetarian (nearly vegan)

    • Singlarity November 20, 2010 at 4:34 am #

      Really? Well, I’ve never tried Beano.

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