Welcome to the the 2009 Boob Report – The State of the Brassiere. The world economy is still supported by the rise and fall of breasts, wouldn’t you know it.
Remember the time RetroVixen got stuck under her bed because of her large mammary glands? Incidents such as these are apparently not that uncommon, although less common than men getting their members stuck in things and requiring paramedics. Why do breasts get so much attention? Why does a decent bra have to cost so much? Isn’t a decent-fitting bra a basic human right? Also, shouldn’t I have the right to let things loose if I want to (not that I do because it’s actually quite uncomfortable to run after the garbage truck bra-less)?
I don’t have babies to breast feed, so right now my breasts are just hanging out like free-riding roommates that refuse to clean up their side of the apartment or even spring for pizza once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for what I’ve been given and the fact that they’re not yet at my knees or look like pancakes with melted butter on top is a reason to give thanks. Still, they’re uneven, require maintenance, cause discomfort, get me into trouble at church, and wear out expensive bras faster than Glenn Beck alienates sponsors.
I’m a recovering shopaholic. Well, recovering in a relative sense meaning that I still buy unnecessary things but now I have a weekly budget on such purchases, except for the odd time when I need to feel better, or there’s a sale and then there’s no cap on my expenditure but that doesn’t happen that often, honest and who the f*@$ are you to judge me! Right. My point is that the thought of bra shopping is very sobering for me. It’s enough to make me put my platinum credit card back in my wallet. I HATE IT.
Some girls like to buy frilly, lacy, padded breast-decoration. I prefer something that lifts, separates, does not itch, hides my nipples, and has reinforced stitching so that the damned underwire doesn’t pop out and impale me in my armpits. In the scheme of things, I am not asking for much. I’ve had breasts now for over two decades, and the only bra that I have found that has met all my requirements isn’t from Victoria’s Secret or Maidenform or whatever. It’s a department store knock-off of VS’s t-shirt bras – JCPenney’s Ambrielle line. My breasts actually get happy when they know it’s time to put on one of these. So far, I haven’t had any wardrobe malfunctions with these, like the time I was at church and flashed the pastor, or the time I was at a Sci-Fi convention and flashed Admiral Caine. I should charge admission, really.
Anyway, in honor of this year’s Boob Report, here are a couple sites to check out:
You probably shouldn’t say these things compiled by Asylum.com to a man with huge boobs either. Men can be sensitive about their man-boobs. To the list I would also add “I could swear that your right one is bigger” and “Can I name the twins/girls?”
thechive.com has a gallery of photos of individuals, from children to politicians, caught staring at cleavage. Sometimes it cannot be helped. I’ve not only been caught but I’ve been caught staring at my own cleavage. Think about that for a minute.