New Moon Survival Guide

19 Nov

New Moon, the second installment of the Twilight Saga opens tomorrow. Those of us who are either unimpressed (swampmusic), uninterested (Ayn Rant and JoZ), slightly curious (Nibby and RetroVixen) or just moderate fans may want to prepare ourselves for the crazies. Believe me, there will be crazies. So here’s a guide to help you get through the days and weeks ahead. According to Dr. Nibs, the hysteria on this film should have a half-life about 3 weeks. Beyond that, it may be safe to carry out normal activities.

Q: What should I do to protect myself?

Gather the things you will need:

ear plugs

anti-anxiety medication

bear spray

a cricket bat

a water pistol (We recommend the Super Soaker Aquashock Artic Blast)

a lot of patience (You can buy this in bulk at Sam’s Club or at Costco)

Simon Pegg makes effective use of a cricket bat

Simon Pegg puts his cricket bat to good use

Q: What should I do when approaching or being approached by a mob of crazy Twilight fans?

Assess your options:

  1. Turn and walk briskly in the opposite direction. Do not run. Bitches be crazy. They will follow you to your home and eat your babies.
  2. If walking away is not an option, try acting a little crazy by yelling random words like “Paleontology!” “Crotch” and “Weiner Dog!” while twitching your eyes and sticking your hands down your pants.
  3. If you cannot pull the crazy look off, it’s time to use the weapons in your arsenal starting with the least harmful (water pistol) and moving up to the most damaging (cricket bat) until you have achieved your objective.

Q: How can I identify these Twilight fanatics?

If you are having difficulty distinguishing a regular group of movie fans from a mob of crazy Twilight fans, try the following tests:

  1. Slowly approach a member of the mob and ask them to tell you the sequence of the books written by Stephanie Meyer. If the person calmly tells you the order or doesn’t know and has to check online, you are safe. This person is normal. If the person looks at you like you are mentally challenged and not worthy of the air you are breathing, you have met a fanatic. It’s time to get the f**k out of there.
  2. If you are feeling brave, yell “Kristen Stewart sucks!” If ten minutes passes and you are still alive and unharmed and no one has threatened to black list you from all of their message boards and newgroups, you are safe.
  3. If you have all of your weapons on hand and are really itching for a fight, try yelling “Edward reminds me of Princess Sparkle.” Be relentless. Once you have thrown down the gauntlet, you will have to get them all. If you leave even one of them untouched, that person will seek revenge at a later date and they will bring their friends. Remember, they are legion and, frankly, they’ve got more upper body strength than the average Star Trek fanatic.

Above all, don’t forget to put your ear plugs in the minute you wake up on November 20th, 2009. That way you will not be swayed by cries of “Murder!” or “Please don’t crack my skull open.” or “It’s not my fault. My sister got me hooked.” or “I only came to see RPattz!” Feeling sympathy towards a “Twi-hard”, as they are called, could get you killed or worse – indoctrinated.

Also, don’t forget to breathe deeply and often. Breathing exercises are important to maintaining a state of calm during this troubling time.

Or you could just stay home and not get out of bed for 3 weeks.

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3 Responses to “New Moon Survival Guide”

  1. Ayn Rant November 20, 2009 at 11:08 am #

    First, this is written brilliantly. But second, and more important to me personally, SIMON PEGG IS IN MY MAIL! SIMON PEGG! SIMON PEGG!

  2. nibbynibby November 20, 2009 at 2:01 pm #

    Last night I dreamed that there was a giant dark vortex over the movie theatre and my dead father told me that it was time. Apocalypse NOW! I wish I was making this up. Weird dream.

    Thanks, Ayn. *smooches* I knew you’d appreciate the Peggy bit!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. It must be the True Blood withdrawal « - July 7, 2010

    […] though it’s full of ridiculous moments (warning: spoilers abound). Last year, I wrote the New Moon Survival Guide for those of us who are not Twi-hards  and now I find myself wanting to sit for 2 hours in their […]

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