New Moon Review: Good luck with that Taurus, Edward

15 Dec

Just Saw New Moon and OMG. It was a total emo fest! It wasn’t unintentionally funny like the first movie [Twilight]…this one was basically all, “WOE IS ME! My man is gone…the only way to fill the void is to fuck up my chance at a good education and do some cliff diving to ease the pain! WOE.”

It’s…wow. There are no WORDS! Although I will admit, Jacob, the werewolf guy, is hot. But he’s emo too, and he’s going through some werewolf PMS in this one. Apparently shifters can’t get angry, because they can’t control said anger and sometimes get violent with people they lurve! So he has these Hulk moments where he looks like he’s gonna lose his shit, but he goes off and does some Lamaze breathing, so it’s okay! And uhm, let’s see…Bella broods. A lot. Her whole life revolves around Edward (Noooo! Didn’t see that coming). She has these moments where she spouts emo poetry, complains about voids never being able to be filled, blah blah blah. And what else? Oh, Edward sparkles more. It still disturbs me. Nothing new there.

But there is something I am disappointed about.

NO VOLVO.

So disappointed. You have no idea. I mean, you can’t have Edward without his Volvo! What was the director thinking? I have faith that this problem will be fixed in the sequel. HOW IS EDWARD SUPPOSED TO SAVE BELLA IF HE DOESN’T HAVE HIS VOLVO? What, is he supposed to settle saving her with a Ford or something? HE MAY AS WELL NOT BOTHER. Good luck trying to save your lady love with a Taurus, buddy!

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