Don’t worry, Mom. I’m not a lesbian.

6 Jan

I swear. Yes, I have lots of male friends that I have never slept with, and God knows I have tried. Yes, I’ve told friends that I think Salma Hayek has perfect tits. Yes, I find Ellen DeGeneres hysterical at time. Yes, I have cursed men and wanted to throw myself down a flight of stairs before caring about another penis-bearer in the past. It’s all good though. The desire is still there. I still crave the beef, preferrably lean but I’m not one who can afford to be fussy.

I know you want grandchildren. I know you’re concerned about how easily annoyed I get around other people’s snot-nosed, poopy-diapered, super-clingy, cute-until-they-puke-up-o n-your-angora-sweater rugrats. Never fear. I’d like to give birth to something someday. A goldfish sounds do-able and certainly more practical but once in a while I see a clean, sweet-smelling, soft and cuddly little human and I think I could love that child if he were my own. I could breast-feed, for two days at least. I could sing lullabies (Alanis Morrissette comes to mind). I could read bedtime stories (Stephen King would keep them in line). I’ve got maternal instincts of my own. Besides, lesbians have kids all the time. Hehehe. Gotcha!

I know I told you that I can’t stand the fuss of a big wedding, how I hate frilly things and lace, how I’d rather elope and save the money for a down payment on a house, and how Trista Rehn’s uber-pink wedding ceremony gave me cholic. Still, if you can just tone down on the demands for a wedding spectacle, I might concede and actually wear a white dress (no train please!) and shoes, may be.

So Mommy, don’t cry and don’t worry. I’ll be alright. Married or not. Kids or not. I like things the way they are now. I’m so in love with me. It might be sad, but it’s true.


Reposted from my personal blog from February 2nd, 2004. Things haven’t  changed since 2004. Yikes!



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