Don’t worry, Mom. I’m not a lesbian.

6 Jan

I swear. Yes, I have lots of male friends that I have never slept with, and God knows I have tried. Yes, I’ve told friends that I think Salma Hayek has perfect tits. Yes, I find Ellen DeGeneres hysterical at time. Yes, I have cursed men and wanted to throw myself down a flight of stairs before caring about another penis-bearer in the past. It’s all good though. The desire is still there. I still crave the beef, preferrably lean but I’m not one who can afford to be fussy.

I know you want grandchildren. I know you’re concerned about how easily annoyed I get around other people’s snot-nosed, poopy-diapered, super-clingy, cute-until-they-puke-up-o n-your-angora-sweater rugrats. Never fear. I’d like to give birth to something someday. A goldfish sounds do-able and certainly more practical but once in a while I see a clean, sweet-smelling, soft and cuddly little human and I think I could love that child if he were my own. I could breast-feed, for two days at least. I could sing lullabies (Alanis Morrissette comes to mind). I could read bedtime stories (Stephen King would keep them in line). I’ve got maternal instincts of my own. Besides, lesbians have kids all the time. Hehehe. Gotcha!

I know I told you that I can’t stand the fuss of a big wedding, how I hate frilly things and lace, how I’d rather elope and save the money for a down payment on a house, and how Trista Rehn’s uber-pink wedding ceremony gave me cholic. Still, if you can just tone down on the demands for a wedding spectacle, I might concede and actually wear a white dress (no train please!) and shoes, may be.

So Mommy, don’t cry and don’t worry. I’ll be alright. Married or not. Kids or not. I like things the way they are now. I’m so in love with me. It might be sad, but it’s true.

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Reposted from my personal blog from February 2nd, 2004. Things haven’t  changed since 2004. Yikes!

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