Superbowl Sunday Conversations: This is NOT Sports

7 Feb

Owwie! Who dat?

This is the first Sunday conversation of 2010. What does that tell you about our membership status with Procrastinators United? Anyway, this conversation has absolutely nothing to do with the Superbowl. Sorry, folks. Some of us don’t even know the names of the teams that are playing or which cities are represented. Some of us don’t care. We just know that everyone else seems to be very excited about it and we accept it in our humble yet sarcastic way. Well, this Sunday conversation is actually about Sean Bean and his lipstick tube. Yeah. Resisting Sean Bean, star of the Sharpe series and Lord of the Rings,  despite his notoriously small penis, can be dangerous for your health in more ways than you realize. Also, there is a crapload of really really really bad fan-fiction out there. We often complain that TV and movie writers don’t know how to write strong female characters. Well the worst writers of fictional female characters are  … 13 year-old girls!

RetroVixen likes to suss out the latest is craptacular fan-fiction and once in a while she’ll forward the real gems. Well one particular Sunday (well it might not have been a Sunday but let’s pretend) …

RetroVixen: Remember in the last email I pasted an excerpt from the cheesy story I was reading? Well…I read the second chapter, and…

WTF. She got attacked by wolves! ROFLMAO.

See, what happened was Boromir wanted to sleep with her before they got married, and the girl…Roshwren…Rohrswen…whatever the hell her name is, got offended, claimed she wasn’t a common whore, ran off into the opposite direction of where Boromir was (her crying being heard as she ran through the woods), where she was then attacked by wolves that were conveniently nearby. Roshween then recovered in her room while Boromir sobbed like a little girl for being a horny bastard and making her run into the woods with the convenient rabid wolves.

Rocking into Mordor might be preferrable to walking away from you

This totally has Crack!Fic potential, but alas…it is in the Romance category.

Ayn Rant: And, P.S., she f*ckin’ stole that from “Beauty and the Beast.”

RetroVixen: Myeh! Well, there’s no sense in leaving a bad review for her story, everyone thinks she’s a genius! And she says she writes STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS. Every chapter I’ve read, the girl has cried hysterically! WTF.

Nibby: This is why women can never resist Sean Bean, aside from the fact that he’s sexy and charming, there’s also the fact that you’ll be attacked by wolves should you resist his charms.

RetroVixen:

“Oh Sean, this has been a wonderful night, a great date, really.”
“Stay the night.”
“Oh, I…I mean, I want to but…I shouldn’t.”
“A pack of rabid wolves conveniently nearby will attack you if you don’t.”
“Oh Sean! (giggles) You’re so funny!”
“No really, they’re waiting outside.”

Ayn Rant:
“And, by the way, my penis will hurt you.”
“OMG, like, I’m sooo tiny…” ::cries::
Nibby: It’s Sean Bean. His penis couldn’t hurt a horse fly. A regular fly, may be.

Ayn Rant: But what kind of man forces you to have sex with him because of wolves? It’s just wrong.
swampmusic:Sean could just force himself WITHOUT the wolves. I mean, hell with the wolves! (I’m saying this only by way of fantasy, lol)

Ayn Rant: Ahem!




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