Oscars Round Up

8 Mar

Last night’s Oscar telecast was BORING, so utterly boring that I went to bed early without knowing who won Best Picture because I just couldn’t take the lame jokes anymore. Yet, as I drove home from work today, the guy on the radio announced that viewership was up beaucoup from last year. Go figure.

Here are some random thoughts from last night’s shit-fest.

Things I liked:

The tribute to John Hughes. It was nice to see all the John Hughes regulars on stage. I wish Andrew McCarthy and James Spader were up there as well. Don’t worry John Hughes, I won’t ever forget about you. It was nice to see his family there as well. My favorite John Hughes film would have to be The Breakfast Club.

All of the wins for The Hurt Locker. I’ve seen only 7 of the 10 Best Picture nominees and I thought that this film was far and away the best of those. I want to marry Jeremy Renner, have his babies and grow old with him (beyond the point where we have any original teeth left). I have no intention of ever seeing Precious because I don’t like to watch films that make me want to use a dull spoon to scoop out my ovaries. I don’t care how good it is or what a lovely message it delivers in the end. I. JUST. CAN’T. A Serious Man looks interesting, so I may check it out, as does An Education.

Jeremy Renner

Check out Renner alongside Amber Tamblyn in the brilliant but canceled too soon The Unusuals out on DVD on April 6th.

Things I did not like:

Sarah Jessica Parker is not aging well, at all. Seeing her standing next to Ferris Be – ugh – Matthew Broderick on the red carpet just highlighted the unfairness of the gender-imbalance with respect to aging. In 2 years, people will begin to ask if she’s his mother. The volume of her dress just made her look tiny and frail. Is a walker or motorized scooter next?

This dress looks like it's hung on a wire hanger.

Why do perfectly sane and nice women keep marrying James Cameron? I like Suzy Amis. What the heck is she doing with that guy? It’s like I told my gynecologist the other day, James Cameron is the ultimate optimist. He must go into every marriage thinking “This time she’ll get it right.” Guess who was happy when Avatar didn’t win Best Picture? Notice that no one in Canada is anxious to claim him, even though he was born in Northern Ontario. America, he’s all yours.

When was the last time Ben Stiller was actually funny? Zoolander? That must why they’re planning a sequel. Watching him up there trying to solicit laughs as the camera panned occasionally to Jerkface! Cameron was excruciating.

I hope removing that makeup was painful

Finally, the worst part of the ceremony for me was the dead and tired schtick from Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. Bring back Jon Stewart. Someone call up Billy Crystal. Well, first check to see if he’s alive and then call up Billy Crystal. He was corny and cheesy but last night I missed him.

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