I just don’t get it

19 Jun

The following men do absolutely nothing for me. NOTHING. Nada. Nil. Zero. The empty set. Zilch. Null. What is 2 – 1 + 2 – 3? Yeah, exactly. Someone please explain to me why I should swoon at the sight of these men. These guys have large and rabid fan bases. I honestly don’t get it. I present to you the 7 Wonders of the Crazy Female Fan World

1. Jake Gyllenhaal

No, you cannot Kung Fu your way into my heart

My friends think it’s the fact that he’s 99% hair. I think it’s because I’ve never gotten over that twisted bunny from Donnie Darko. Whatever the case, Jake fails to raise my pulse. In fact, I fell asleep watching one of his interviews on Youtube and then woke up a few hours later only to realize that I’d burnt dinner and locked the cat in the utility room.

2. Zac Efron

Please pull up your shorts. No one wants to see that.

Maybe I’m just too old. You know what, I am too old. No explanation needed. I don’t hate the kid. He appeared on Firefly as a young Simon Tam, so I’m willing to tolerate him on screen.

3. Rob Pattinson

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a comb and a razor today.

O_O!!! I’ve had my eyes checked recently. I’ve been evaluated by a psychiatrist for some volunteer work I will be doing. In other words, I’ve got good sight and I’m perfectly sane. So why is it that Rob Pattinson just looks like a guy who lives and sells crack out of his van by the city dump to me? I’m really trying. I am. Does no one else noticed the wide space between his eyes? How about the bent nose? The ferret teeth? How about the Chia pet eyebrows? No. Okay, it’s just me then.

4. Brad Pitt

No, seriously. Nuh uh. No thanks.

This one has puzzled me for years. He’s been voted Sexiest Man Alive several times. He’s impregnated Angelina Jolie twice. He hangs out with George “Aging Gracefully” Clooney and Matt “Farkable but Forgettable” Damon. Yet, I have never wasted a single microsecond fantasizing about him. The only time he was moderately attractive to me was when he was standing beside Tom Cruise. The comparison with the buck-toothed maverick was favorable for Brad but it still left me unimpressed.

5. All the McMen from Grey’s Anatomy (except for Kevin McKidd who is seriously sexy)

McDreamy and McSteamy leave me cold

I never found Patrick Dempsey attractive; not when he was a teen idol and not now as a housewife-fantasy-harem-staple. Yes, I just made that last bit up. I find all of the McMen on GA super McCheesy. Eric Dane is boringly handsome. He is handsome in a way that vanilla is tasty but boring. I’m sorry, but Justin Chambers (not pictured) is just fugly to me.

6. Adrian Grenier

Not bad here, but sometimes he looks like he washed and got dressed in a gas station restroom

Please see Rob Pattinson. He too looks homeless and his eyebrows reach Peter Gallagher proportions. One of the key problems I have with Entourage is that I’m supposed to believe that he’s a huge movie star. He was cute in The Devil Wears Prada but I would have preferred more legitimate eye-candy.

7. Orlando Bloom

It's sorta like a mullet. Right?

He weighs less than 85% of the adult female population, which is more of an indictment of the weight and diet issues plaguing the Western World. He makes Keira Knightley seem butch and heavy. He’s one stomach flu away from looking like a holocaust victim. Yet, if I post a photo of him, my stats go through the roof. He also seems to go to the same hairstylist as Rob Pattinson. While I thought he was cute as Legolas in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, when I saw him in Pirates of Caribbean, I like Jack Sparrow, wondered if he was indeed a eunuch. I think we should investigate.

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One Response to “I just don’t get it”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Reverse Singlarity « Singlarity: Single Hilarity - June 21, 2010

    […] } Yesterday, I was in a snit and wrote a most critical and snarky post about men that I don’t find the least bit attractive but whom many women find irresistible […]

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