My Date with Jason Voorhees

13 Aug

I guess I should have known things wouldn’t turn out well when my date showed up wearing a hockey mask. I distinctly put on my e-Harmony profile that I don’t want to be a hockey-widow and cannot abide guys who are so obsessed with the sport that it permeates every aspect of their lives. It’s just annoying. I will not be second to hockey! His refusal to take off the mask was really off-putting. I was beginning to think that the mommy-issues he mentioned on his profile were not his only problems.

Still, he was wearing camping apparel – cargo pants, a faded and moth-eaten army-surplus jacket, a plain t-shirt and hiking boots – and since I like camping I thought I should remain open-minded. Also, I have some overgrown shrubs in the backyard and his large machete made me optimistic. He even demonstrated his branch-slashing techniques as he came through the doorway. How thrilling, I thought. He seemed a bit nervous though, because he continued to mime slashing the brush away even as I invited him into the living room for some tea and cookies. Eventually, I just took the machete from him and placed it in the coat closet.

That seemed to signal to him that I was ready for sexy time because he cleared the coffee table with one sweep of his hand and threw me down on the couch. I told him that I don’t usually do this on the first date and tried to get him to slow down a bit but he was all hands. He seemed to like squeezing my neck and twisting my arms. I told him that I’m not averse to rough sex but I thought we should at least get to know each other better and at minimum establish a safe word. He seemed puzzled.

Fortunately, at that very moment the phone rang. I let it go to the answering machine since I prefer to screen all my calls. It was my mother calling to remind me that the pharmacy had sent my yeast infection medication to her house by accident. With that, Jason was out of there. Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. He even had something green growing behind his ears and he had a foul odor. Who was he to judge me?

Anyway, I don’t expect a call back.


One Response to “My Date with Jason Voorhees”


  1. My date was not a pinhead in the generic sense « - August 20, 2010

    […] decided that we should meet for coffee in a public place after the horror that was my last first date. Thanks, Mom. Anyway, he showed up in a full leather ensemble that looked one-part Dracula and […]

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