My date was not a pinhead in the generic sense

20 Aug

In fact, he was the Pinhead. He was intelligent and articulate, but not particularly easy on the eyes. Actually, he was rather painful to look at. I decided I would give him a chance, even though his photo on his eHarmony profile seemed to have been taken at his acupuncturist’s office. He apparently has major migraines and this is the only thing he knows that works. I can relate. One time, my migraine was so debilitating, I fantasized about taking a drill to my head. True story.

I decided that we should meet for coffee in a public place after the horror that was my last first date. Thanks, Mom. Anyway, he showed up in a full leather ensemble that looked one-part Dracula and one-part Neo from the matrix. In other words he looked like the Archbishop of S&M. I was not impressed. I figured that he must have been from some alternate dimension or he just hadn’t been on a date in years. Everybody knows that on the first date, you try to look as cookie-cutter as possible and on future dates once you’re feeling more comfortable, you can bring out all your freaky shit from storage. I certainly wasn’t going to show him my storage locker until the third or fourth date.

Still, I was optimistic because of the gentlemanly way in which he greeted me and pulled out the chair for me … with his mind. I almost fainted and rightly so. After all the douche bags and small penises I’ve dated, I deserve a telekinetic. Just think of the possibilities. I immediately asked him what else he could do but he just ignored that question and asked me if I was a religious person.

“Do you believe in Hell? Would you like to know more about it?”

“Well, there was this one Christmas I was in this long line at the gift wrap at Sears and I swear I was almost okay with the ground opening up and swallowing me whole. Does that count?”

“Not really.”

“Oh, sorry.” I tried hard to think of something else to say but my mind was a wasteland.

“I don’t think this is going to work,” he said after some time.

“But I just sat down.”

“You don’t have a soul worth taking.”

Okay, that was way harsh, and had I not been worried about making a scene, I would have burst into tears right then and there. I tried to remain classy.

“Well, fuck you and the hellhound you rode in on!”

“I think you should leave now, before I change my mind.” He seemed so sad and resigned as he said this.

“Wait, so you mean there’s a chance?”

He looked at me like I had three eyes in my head. Dude! You’re the one with the weird piercings, I thought. Realizing that I may have sounded a tad desperate or pathetic, I cleared my throat and stood up.

“Well, good luck with your search for a soul mate.”

Who ever she is, I do not envy her. Kissing him without drawing blood would require special skills that I do not possess. Oh well. Better luck next time.


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