Faux News: A review of “How to Lose Allies and Alienate Minorities” by Peter King

13 Mar

The new autobiography, which was released this past Thursday hoping to capitalize off the publicity from the congressional hearings, details Rep. Peter King’s rise from village idiot to state douchenozzle to national champion of bigotry and fear-mongering. In several chapters, King rationalizes his undying love and allegiance to the Irish Republican Army and claims to be the lovechild of Joseph McCarthy and Ayn Rand. The book itself is poorly written and sometimes unintelligible, often resembling the ramblings of a paranoid junkie. If I were Peter King, I would fire both my ghostwriter and my editor.

A few key excerpts:

“Obviously, white people can’t be terrorists. You can talk all you want about Timothy McVeigh, but we all know he was just a misguided little boy crying for attention who dabbled a bit with explosives. I, myself, have dabbled in a few things. Does that make me dangerous?”

Many of his opponents would argue that it does. Speaking on the need for congressional hearings on US Muslims, King was very clear.

“If you’re a Muslim in America, you need to prove you are American. If that means shooting you up with sodium pentathol and a little bit of waterboarding so be it. The true Americans won’t complain and won’t feel a thing.”

When addressing concerns about comparisons to McCarthy, King expressed that he would be honored to be in such esteemed company.

“The fact that my reckless and unsubstantiated accusations have been allowed to reach this level of notoriety is the greatest achievement of my life. My birth father would be proud!”

Sales are expected to be high, especially for folks in Tea Party states and supporters of Sarah Palin. The book has been banned in Canada and Amazon.com refuses to acknowledge that the book exists.

Remember, folks. Freedom isn’t free and the price has gone up significantly in recent times to a high of $15.49 per month per person. More on this in the next edition of Faux News.

Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or dead, is for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.



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