Faux News: Canadians too polite to call PM an asshole

30 Mar

“Oh, I know [Stephen Harper] and his government have pissed on our democracy and ruined many lives but I just don’t think I could bring myself to say that word. It’s not the Canadian way,” said Mildred Peuce of Moncton, New Brunswick. “I might say ‘dick’ when I see him on TV, but I might need a few shots first.”

In a little over a month, Canada will hold its fourth general election in 7 years. Voter turnout was so low in the last election in 2008 that scholars and political analysts have been scratching their heads trying to understand this alarming trend of voter apathy and what it means for Canada. Why are Canadians sticking their collective heads in the sand when the stakes are so high?

“We really don’t have much of a choice these days. Why waste your energy trying to replace one douchebag with another? You might as well just keep the douchebag you have,” said Sydney Pollard of Edmonton, Alberta. Like Sydney, many voters feel that the Liberals, NDP and Bloc Quebecois have not provided strong opposition. They argue that the opposition has failed to prevent the Harper Government from dropping trousers and taking a dump on parliament and thus do not deserve to be given increased support. While most people respond favorably to Green Party leader, Elizabeth May, many don’t see much merit in casting a vote for the Green Party.  May was recently excluded by the major television networks from the televised debates to be held next month.

“That party is about as real as the ring from a Cracker Jack box,” argued Bruce Boeckler. Bruce would know. Last week he tried to propose to girlfriend of 9 years, Sarah, with such a ring and received a shocking response. “When I got out of surgery after they removed the ring from my anus, I realized just how unappealing my proposal and the Green Party are.”

So with few choices, can anyone really be shocked by the declining voter interest?

Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or dead, is for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.



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