Faux News: Time to get your WZD – Weapons of Zombie Destruction

21 May

Thanks to Angel, for reminding me that the Zombie Apocalypse/ End of Days/ Rapture/Five Years of Tribulation Slamma-Jamma-Rama begins today. While you’re out there running your usual Saturday errands, I thought you might want to pick up a few choice weapons in order to stave off the zombie hoards that are sure to be arriving at your front door tomorrow. That is, if that nutjob remembered to carry the 1 in his calculations. So, I’ve prepared a list of the top 6 ways to put the sorry stricken out of their misery.

6. Your Garden Variety Aluminum Baseball Bat

Why Aluminum? Though the aluminum bat may get dented it’s less likely to split and break after making contact with the skull of the walking dead. It’s also lighter and has less drag than a wooden bat. You might think you need a lot of force to crack the skull of a zombie, but the human body is more fragile than we realize (certainly more fragile than depicted on television) and decomposing corpses are even more fragile.

5. Bisento Spear


This Japanese pole weapon is slightly heavier than its cousin the naginata spear. It’s blade was forged to maintain sharpness and absorb impact, which will be useful as you blaze your trail through a mob of zombies, separating flesh and bone.

4. AK-47: The Rebel Militia Gun of Choice


Also known as a Kalashnikov (after its inventor, the Soviet Union’s Mikhail Kalashnikov), this selective-fire assault rifle will be great at gunning down hoards of zombies without having to constantly reload. It’s also relatively easy to clean and maintain, and therefore less likely to jam on you at really awkward moments, like when you wake up to find your granduncle trying to chew on your little piggies. Though over 75 million have been produced and the rifle is relatively inexpensive, you won’t find it in your neighbourhood Wal-Mart’s gun case. It’s mostly sold in developing countries on the black market, where men give up their annual income in order to have one as a show of strength while their children starve. The important thing to remember about the AK-47 when trying to dispatch the undead is not to waste bullets on body shots. Aim for the head!

3.  Katana Sword

Generally referred to as a “samurai sword”, this slender single-edged blade sword is great for mass beheadings. Look, don’t get all prude on me. When the zombie hoards come, you won’t have time to apologize to each and every one of them and say a prayer for their souls. It’s slice and dice time. Also, the Katana sword is great insurance. The time may come when you’ll have no choice but to end your own life rather than be condemned to walk the Earth seeking fresh brains. This is one sword that’s easy to fall on.

2. The Talwar Scimitar


The talwar from India has a slimmer blade and is slightly less curved than other scimitars like the shamshir, making it suitable for thrusting as well as cutting. Believe me, you never know what position you are going to be in when you’re confronted with zombies. So you want a weapon with flexibility and dexterity.

1. The Tapanga Machete


This variant of the standard sugarcane cutting machete is primarily found in East and Southern Africa. Given its role as weapon of choice in uprisings, war atrocities and genocides, we know that the tapanga is capable of mass destruction. Please note, this machete has nothing to do with that annoying chick for Boy Meets World.

You’ll notice that blades outnumber guns on this list and this is no accident. Guns require bullets and must be reloaded. You can always clean and resharpen a sword. When you run out of bullets, rifles and guns become utterly useless in the face of zombies, except for bludgeoning and in such uses they are very inefficient.

Frankly, we humans have become very efficient at killing each other, so as the zombie uprising approaches, you need not worry. There will be so many ways for us to dispatch our foes. I would like to end this by strongly recommending that you buy a blow torch. Zombies are very susceptible to fire and it is the one way to ensure that the undead stay dead.

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