F@#k! I’m still here. Now what?

24 May

So you gave away all your worldly possessions. You dumped friends who you thought might be leading you astray and jeopardizing your chances of spending eternity with God. You hosted an enormous party at your house in which you confessed all of your sins, disturbing behaviours and proclivities to friends, family, neighbours, anybody that showed up off the street hoping for free beer and jerked chicken. Like that time you had sex with a broomstick, tried to sell your younger sister for crack, or stuffed shit in your grade 6 teacher’s mailbox. You fasted. You went to a sweat lodge. You stopped bathing, shaving and cutting your finger and toe nails. You told your boss you thought he was tyrant and that his love of money would see him burn in hell after years of tribulations. Then you dropped your trousers, took a dump in your cubicle and handed in your letter of resignation. You spent the last days before May 21st spending every dollar you had in your saving account and running up your credit cards to pay for the big bash at your house.

Well, it’s May 23rd. Ooopsie!

What are you supposed to do now? You’ve burnt every bridge. You’re unemployed. You’re homeless. You’re in debt up to your eyeballs. You have no friends. Your family hates you. You look like shit. Actually, you look like shit’s shit. How do you start over from here? Chances are you don’t have access to the internet, so you won’t be able to read my brilliant plan for rising out of the dungheap you’re in. But just in case …

The way I see it, you only have four options:

1. The Oldest Profession: Prostitution

2. The Soup Kitchen Circuit

3. Hang out on your pastor’s front lawn – it’s his fault anyway

4. Blame temporary insanity or heavy drug use, claim disability to help you get your job back and smooth things over with friends and relatives, volunteer to enter rehab or a treatment facility.

I think options 3 and 4 are your best options and you need to get moving before your pastor disappears or the guy you gave your Jeep to drives off to Mexico. Seriously, get the f@#k off your ass and get your life back. It’s never too late to start over. Also, your real friends will take you back.


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