Faux News: New “Ways and Means”

25 Jul

As the deadlock between lawmakers over the debt ceiling continues and the deadline for default looms, the members of the Ways and Means Committee are looking for new and creative ways of raising revenues and cutting spending without having to increase taxes to the wealthy and cut entitlement spending. Here are some of the bright ideas currently being circulated as desperation sets in.

1. Partially privatizing education through product placement in textbooks and classrooms. Imagine reading “Creationism is as indisputable as ConAgra …” in history text books and reading news clippings about “new state of the art school desks provided by Texas Energy that remind students if their parents have been delinquent with payment.”

2. NASA:  Sell advertising space on the space station and probes. Imagine the following news release from the Houston control center: “The neon billboard for the law offices of “Jackson, Linden and Bergoff” on the Saturn probe was slightly damaged during entry, so we should be mindful of extra-terrestrials landing and asking for “Jack off” representation.

3. On Capitol Hill in Washington D.C. they should sign away naming rights and sponsorship agreements to Economic Expansions, Recessions, Deficits, Surpluses, Wars, Presidential and Midterm Elections, and Political Scandals.

“The Doritos Greatest Economic Decline since the Coca-Cola Great Depression began in 2008 and has …”

“The Anthony Weiner Scandal is brought to you by Oscar Meyer …”

“At Haliburton, we don’t make wars, we make wars last longer.”

Sounds catchy, right?

4. They should make security optional and voluntary by allowing people to choose their level of safety and security on planes, trains and automobiles … for a fee. “At Chances Air, we do less than the recommended number of safety inspections, so we can pass on the savings to you, our terrified customers.” They could make service in the FBI and CIA voluntary saving billions in salaries. It seems to work for local fire stations. They’d just need to spend money on recruitment, like “America needs men and women to wiretap their neighbors and friends …”

I think we’ve just hit the tip of the iceberg in terms of revenue generation and savings.

Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

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