Faux News: New Facebook Policy Prevents Ubiquitous Close-ups

4 Sep

After years of complaining bitterly to any Facebook executive that would listen, Brooke Nordstrom is getting her wish. In a move that will take effect on October 1st, 2011, Facebook will prevent users from uploading super-close-up head-shots of themselves as their profile picture. For years, lazy users have been uploading distorted and distasteful extreme close-ups of their faces using mainly camera phones. The results are jarring and disturbing to friends. Most friends are too polite to say anything. Some even go as far as “liking” the profile picture change.

“I was being sarcastic,” said Shelley Baker who ‘liked’ a friends new abomination of a profile photo within 30 seconds of it being posted. “I was hoping she would be shocked by how quickly I liked it and take a hint.”

Shelley was disappointed when a week later her friend uploaded a new super-close-up of her face this time with her head slightly tilted to the left.

“It’s the Facebook equivalent of watching the driver ahead of you flick a cigarette butt out the window. It’s so disgusting! You want to drive them down so you can cut them off, drag them out of the car and then beat some sense into them with a tire iron … but most of us don’t do anything like that. Most of us,” said Mark Zuckerberg, cofounder of Facebook and a chief proponent of the new policy.

Zuckerberg and friend (we use the term ‘friend’ loosely since Zuckerberg has no real friends), Xavier Hackett, created (we use the term ‘created’ loosely since Zuckerberg probably stole it from someone else) the software (we use the term ‘software’ loosely since it’s probably a piece of shit loaded with spyware that sells your secrets to the largest multinational corporations) that examines your profile photos (we use the term ‘your profile photos’ loosely since Facebook secretly owns everything that you upload and will keep it till the end of time even if you disable your account) to determine whether or not you have violated the new ‘no close-ups’ policy. In the next iteration of the policy Zuckerberg hopes to prevent users from uploading profile photos that look almost identical in composition to previous profile photos.

“People need to be more fucking creative. They need to change their poses. Change their fucking shirts or something. God! How many times have I seen two drunk girls drinking from red plastic cups and one of them has a nipple exposed? One time too many.”

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

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