Faux News: Cashier gets 3 consecutive life-sentences for scanning can of soup twice

2 Nov

Neptune, California – Lydia Bunting, 25, a former cashier at Safeway, was recently sentenced to 3 consecutive life-sentences without the possibility of parole for scanning a can of soup twice while checking out well-known penny-pincher, Dorothy Millhaps three months ago. The sentence came as a complete shock to both the defense and state attorneys.

“Well, to be honest, this shouldn’t have made it to court. At worst, the state should have offered a deal. At best, Mrs. Millhaps should have just pointed out the error at the register and none of the chain of events that lead to this poor young woman spending the rest of her life in jail for a simple mistake would have happened,” complained public defender, Marjorie Wailand. “No one seemed to use their common sense.”

“Common sense? What’s that?” The state attorney’s office said that they didn’t have the luxury of using common sense. “We’re not paid by taxpayers to do that. It doesn’t say anything about using common sense in my contract or in the constitution. I think that would set a dangerous trend if we all started thinking for ourselves beyond the scope of our jobs.”

Mrs. Millsaps expressed little remorse at having the cashier arrested. “Well, I think the judge was a bit harsh. A year or two in jail would have been sufficient. If she’d just shed a few tears and licked my boots when I accused her of being a “dirty, thieving whore” I don’t think I’d have even called the manager.”

So what can we take away from these unfortunate events?

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

 

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