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New year, new love … er, I mean new lust

13 Jan

So it came to past that as the year 2011 expired and the year 2012 began, I found myself spared of thoughts of Alexander Skarsgard. Overnight, my daydreams had a new master – not blonde, not Swedish, not a vampire, not a werewolf, not a wizard, not a fairy, not a ghost, not a demon, nor a hunter of any of these supernatural things. My lust has a new Sheriff, and he is a cowboy. He makes more sense as an object of my affection and makes madness out of the last three years. Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? I am just grateful to my friends for their forbearance and understanding over Alexander. I am sane again. The King is dead. Long live the King.

Timothy Olyphant as Raylan Givens in Justified on FX

Faux News: Arsenal, City, United and Chelsea in battle to sign kicking fetus

25 Nov

Expectant mother, Lizabetta Cordona Espero of Majorca, Spain has a very difficult decision to make. With a stroke of a pen, she could be setting up her family for life. She could also be setting up her unborn son for a life of heavy expectations as the next big young thing in English football. It all started when at 5 months into her pregnancy, Lizabetta began to experience severe abdominal pains. Ultrasounds revealed her unborn son was using his twin sister’s head as a football. Soon word got out and news of her unborn son’s unparalleled coordination and football prowess reached the ears of Arsene Wenger. Wenger has shown in the past his willingness to snatch babies from their mothers’ breasts and bring then into Arsenal’s system. Now it seems as if Wenger can’t wait for the delivery of Lizabetta’s twins.

Wenger has made several visits to Lizabetta’s hometown and has spoken to her and her husband, Carlos, on numerous occasions all in the hope of assuring them that their signing away the life of their child into football servitude is in no way premature. As news of Wengers interest caught the attention of the EPL’s other big managers, interest in Baby A, as Lizabetta’s unborn son is known in her prenatal medical records, has skyrocketed. Sir Alex Ferguson has been heard saying that if he can’t have Baby A, he intends to make sure that Wenger can’t have him either.

“Over my dead body! He probably won’t start for any team until after I’m in adult diapers but that’s besides the point,” said City manager Roberto Mancini. “Why should Wenger have a monopoly on the future?” Other managers seem to share this sentiment as officials from Chelsea and Tottenham have also been in contact with Lizabetta and her family.


Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

I’m just being honest: It’s hard to say ‘fuck off’ to the old and familiar

11 Aug

No, I’m not talking about my Nana. I loved my Nana when she was alive and I’d give up a whole lot to have 5 more minutes with her. I’m actually talking about my ex – not the most recent ex – the ex before last. A month ago he showed up again in my life, acting like he’d never left, acting like he hadn’t stomped all over, dropped trousers and took a dump on my feelings. And you know what? I let him walk back in without so much as a whimper. Why would I do that?

I honestly can’t answer the question. I don’t need him. I have other suitors and prospects, so it’s not like I’m feeling insecure about my attractiveness. I’m not lonely. I have great friends, a loving family and a very attentive cat (who is currently begging for a belly rub). I’m not bored. Oh, well actually, I am bored. So there it is. I’m bored and the one thing that I know is true about my ex, and something that every friend of mine has said about him, even the ones who hate his ass, is that he’s never boring. Whenever I was with him, I was either too embarrassed, scared, ashamed or hysterical to be bored. I guess I am one of those people who is willing to put up with a lot of shit to avoid boredom.

That song by The Pierces comes to mind …

Amnesia or Castration: What did that *itch do to Eric?

25 Jul

Sleeveless hoodies are pointless ... like Tara

We’ve had 3 full episodes of Amnesiac Eric and I have to say that so far I am not happy with the direction (nor the wardrobe: sleeveless hoodies are so dumb). I have no problem with the acting, as I think Skarsgard is doing a great job with what he’s being asked to do. However, whose bright idea was it to equate memory loss with a return to pre-adolescence? The low point for me was Eric saying “I had a bad dream,” after startling Sookie in the middle of the night and then crying and begging to be comforted. Really? Are we supposed to believe that Sookie is now falling in love with a six-year-old? Because, ew!! Why would any grown woman find that attractive as opposed to the confident, cocky, sexy, intelligent and exciting Sheriff of Area 5? Seriously, Sook, this is not an improvement. I repeat, this is not an improvement.

I’m just not convinced of Sookie’s sudden change of heart. Then again, she is acting like someone on the rebound. If the argument is that Eric is a rebound after Sookie’s break up with Bill, I could totally believe that. After you’ve had your heart ripped out by that lying and conniving Bill Compton, you too would want to find comfort in a seemingly innocent and childlike new love interest. Still, it’s ERIC F**KING NORTHMAN!! And he’s crying on your lap. Then again, this is what Sookie found attractive after Godric’s death. Or was that Eric’s blood in her? My head hurts.

One thing for sure, Sookie is a nurturer. She likes taking care of other people and now she has baby Eric to breast feed. This is a slight deviation from the books. Sookie is indeed nurturing and caring in the books, but when Eric loses his memories, he’s still grown up with his balls intact. He doesn’t need to be tucked in before bed and to cuddle after a bad dream. I must be one of the few people who is happy that Bill will be breaking up this whole Mommy and baby scene next week. How could Alan Ball and his writers take the most anticipated storyline of the Sookieverse and make it so wrong and unappealing to me?

I think I need a cuddle.

No True Blood No Problem: Being Human in America doesn’t disappoint

25 Feb

So I decided to wait until the after the sixth episode of the US remake of Being Human aired before weighing in on the show’s merits and appeal. I’m really glad I did. After the first episode, I was not entirely convinced about the characters and the actors playing them. However, by the third episode, the actors seemed to own their roles and the characters became considerably more layered and likable.

Aidan – I like Sam Witwer. I enjoyed him on Smallville, but I was not convinced that he could pull off sexy vampire. In fact, I still don’t find him sexy personally. However, I do think he plays tormented and eternally tempted really well. Also, he is obviously very familiar with the inside of a gym. He’s handsome in a non-traditional way and much more satisfying to look at than Robert Pattinson, because he looks like a man. He also does not have a stick up his ass like that other Civil War veteran vampire, Bill Compton. That being said, he is no Eric Northman (No one is!). In fact, he’s no Mitchell, his UK counterpart. There’s a craziness and playfulness to Mitchell that I have yet to see come across with Aidan. Maybe I just need to wait.

Josh – I guess every show needs a wet blanket but I seriously don’t remember George from the UK series being this dower. I remember George would bitch and moan a lot but he was also very funny and the high-pitched delivery of his whiny rants some how made them more comical and less slit-your-wrists-open. Still, I like Josh. He’s shy, sensitive and caring with a fairly strong moral compass. Sir Slips-A-Lot Aidan is in need of a friend with a strong moral compass. Sally needs one too as she considers turning poltergeist on Danny’s ass.

Sally – Of all the characters, it took me the longest to warm up to Sally. At first, all she seemed to do was lie around all day and whine. However, with each episode Sally has become more purposeful and interesting. I remembered when I first watched the UK series, I found her UK counterpart, Annie, exceedingly annoying. In fact, after 3 seasons, she still drives me up the wall from time to time. Yet, in a matter of 6 episodes, Sally has ceased to be annoying. She is the character I would like to see more fleshed out and involved in the other characters’ plot lines. Aidan’s and Josh’s have already criss-crossed. It would be nice if this happened with Sally.

Bishop – LOVE HIM! LOVE HIM! I loved Mark Pellegrino as Lucifer on Supernatural last season. He was one of the few things I liked about that season. Right now, when I compare him to his UK counterpart, Herrick, I actually have to give Bishop the edge. While Herrick is menacing and manipulative, Bishop is extremely convincing and you almost understand why he does everything he does. In his twisted way, he wants to ensure the survival of vampires and he’s tired of a life in the shadows. You can see the longing for freedom in Bishop’s sunken eyes. You actually sense his paternal feelings for Aidan, who he seems to have extreme patience for. Bishop is truly frightening to me because he isn’t revolting or repugnant. He’s as smooth as a used car salesman. I cannot say the same about Herrick.

In a deviation from the original series, we have a blood relative in a recurring role and it is a welcome difference. Josh’s sister, Emily, who is also not mainstream although not supernatural, is a refreshing character. She makes Josh’s cynicism and pessimism a bit more palatable. As soon as she stops drinking, I hope she’ll clue into all the weirdness. This character is too smart to keep in the dark.

I’m looking forward to the back 7 episodes of this first season. I hope that the ratings improve so that SyFy greenlights future seasons. I need more Mark Pellegrino on my TV if nothing else.