Faux News: Cost of Freedom reaches record high of $15.97

15 Oct

The National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) recently reported that the annual cost of freedom, which it has been estimating since 1945, reached a record high of $15.97 per person on September 31st, 2011.  The NBER also reported that there are no signs of this cost lowering or plateauing in the near future. Recent projections have the cost freedom reaching $2 billion per person by 2050. A clear explanation for the sudden rise in the cost of freedom could not be given, but certain elected officials who would prefer to remain anonymous have pointed to the sheer number of pointless Jennifer Aniston movies made in the past three years as a key concern. Legislation is likely to follow.

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

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In this instance, I am a quitter

15 Oct

I have decided to quit on-line dating … AGAIN. It’s just not for me and it has been incredibly demoralizing. I realize that I’m not the type of person that someone will be attracted to in bite-size form. I’m one of those desserts you have to eat a couple times to acquire a taste for it. I’m not saying I’m difficult, well, actually I am saying that. I am also saying that I’m not for mass consumption. That’s a good and a bad thing. I’ve got more in common with goat cheese and haggis than I’d like to admit. I wish I was more like tiramisu, but I certainly don’t want to be a bag of Doritos.

On-line dating requires you to describe yourself in tiny and catchy snippets. Then you’re expected to choose photos strategically – ones that make you look light, fun, adventurous, and (most importantly) skinny. You’re encouraged to exaggerate your strengths and completely omit any weaknesses. You’re discouraged from writing passive-aggressive statements like “I’m tired of games” and “assholes need not apply” even though that’s really how you feel. When it comes down to it, on-line dating doesn’t allow me to represent myself in an honest and meaningful way.

So, fuck it.

Haggis: Jeebus of Nazabeth, that looks so disgusting! No wonder no one wants to date me. 😦

Faux News: New Facebook Policy Prevents Ubiquitous Close-ups

4 Sep

After years of complaining bitterly to any Facebook executive that would listen, Brooke Nordstrom is getting her wish. In a move that will take effect on October 1st, 2011, Facebook will prevent users from uploading super-close-up head-shots of themselves as their profile picture. For years, lazy users have been uploading distorted and distasteful extreme close-ups of their faces using mainly camera phones. The results are jarring and disturbing to friends. Most friends are too polite to say anything. Some even go as far as “liking” the profile picture change.

“I was being sarcastic,” said Shelley Baker who ‘liked’ a friends new abomination of a profile photo within 30 seconds of it being posted. “I was hoping she would be shocked by how quickly I liked it and take a hint.”

Shelley was disappointed when a week later her friend uploaded a new super-close-up of her face this time with her head slightly tilted to the left.

“It’s the Facebook equivalent of watching the driver ahead of you flick a cigarette butt out the window. It’s so disgusting! You want to drive them down so you can cut them off, drag them out of the car and then beat some sense into them with a tire iron … but most of us don’t do anything like that. Most of us,” said Mark Zuckerberg, cofounder of Facebook and a chief proponent of the new policy.

Zuckerberg and friend (we use the term ‘friend’ loosely since Zuckerberg has no real friends), Xavier Hackett, created (we use the term ‘created’ loosely since Zuckerberg probably stole it from someone else) the software (we use the term ‘software’ loosely since it’s probably a piece of shit loaded with spyware that sells your secrets to the largest multinational corporations) that examines your profile photos (we use the term ‘your profile photos’ loosely since Facebook secretly owns everything that you upload and will keep it till the end of time even if you disable your account) to determine whether or not you have violated the new ‘no close-ups’ policy. In the next iteration of the policy Zuckerberg hopes to prevent users from uploading profile photos that look almost identical in composition to previous profile photos.

“People need to be more fucking creative. They need to change their poses. Change their fucking shirts or something. God! How many times have I seen two drunk girls drinking from red plastic cups and one of them has a nipple exposed? One time too many.”

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

Ayn Rant is a Mommy!!

20 Aug

Yes, we’re getting less single by the minute (well, some of us anyway). A few weeks ago our sweet Ayn Rant became a first-time mommy. She had a bouncing baby boy who will be introduced to Hockey and bacon as soon as physically possible. As always, she has her priorities in order. We’re not sure whether our newest sweet baby mammal looks more like Ayn or Chief Strong Jaw of Justice. Time will tell. Until then, we’ll just coo and “Awww” over the cute photos and wonder why they can’t stay that little and perfect forever.

Congrats, Ayn and CSJJ! May your family continue to grow in strength, faith and love.

– The Other Ladies of Singlarity

I’m just being honest: I’ve had more bathroom scales than boyfriends

20 Aug

Yes, it’s true. I’ve been through more bathroom scales than men. And while this may be an indictment of my social life, it’s more of an indictment of my relationship with my weight and more importantly my body. Not surprisingly, my bathroom scale has (read: I have) always been more critical of my body than any boyfriend I have ever had. Yes, I would probably neuter a guy for criticizing my ass, but that really shouldn’t bias the data too much, right?

Like most of my relationships, when I get a new bathroom scale, I’m going through a very euphoric period in which I feel like working out more and eating healthier. So I look forward to every weigh-in and see any spike in weight as something I can easily overcome with hard work. Later on, the bathroom scale starts spitting out things I cannot understand, given how dedicated  and patient I have been, especially with its faulty readings. Suddenly every weigh-in is second-guessed. I start checking up on the scale several times a day.

Then there’s a powerful explosion of anger. I will have a really awful knock-down-drag-out fight with my bathroom scale in which we say things to each other that cannot be taken back. At which point, the relationship is over and my bathroom scale ends up at the Salvation Army if it’s still in working condition or on the curb waiting for the garbage truck.

For a while, I’ll rejoice in the freedom of not weighing myself. I’ll eat an entire apple pie and regale in the fact that there’s no scale to notice the resulting 3 lb. gain. However, after weeks (to be honest: months) of undisciplined and mindless eating, I will begin to wonder about my weight. I’ll try on a few of my tighter fitting jeans to try to calm fears. When I can deny my curiosity no more, off I go to Walmart to pick out my latest victim. Chrome, Glass top, digital dispay up to 2 decimal points, AA battery-powered, with weight-tracking. Sexy! And the cycle begins again.