Tag Archives: demonic cat

Demon Kitty has a new home

6 Apr

And a new life. Meanwhile, Angel Kitty and I have to adjust to our now shockingly quiet lives. I thought I would miss Demon Kitty more. He was a very affectionate bugger and it was nice when I would get home and see him waiting for me at the window. However, I do not miss the crying, the spraying, the eating of leather goods, electrical cords, sweaters, socks, furniture, ribbon, rugs and DVDs, and the transformation of my living room into a kitty race track. There is, however, one thing I miss about Demon Kitty. You see, Angel Kitty is a little on the chubby side and has great difficulty getting to certain areas. Demon Kitty is extremely flexible – a lot like Ayn Rant’s Jerk Kitty. Demon Kitty was incredibly efficient at cleaning not only his own ass, but Angel Kitty’s ass. Now that task falls to me in his absence. And no, I am not using my tongue.

"Puh! Puh! Puh! Gross!"

So, in summary, the only thing I miss about Demon Kitty is his mad ass-lickin’ skillz.

Multiple Choice

24 Nov

My cat just urinated on my freshly folded laundry because I ignored him for 5 minutes while folding said laundry. Which of the following sounds like my actual response?

 

A) Screaming hysterically for five minutes before settling into guttural wailing.

 

B) Falling to my knees, beating my chest and tearing at my hair until the physical pain I feel matches the level of my emotional anguish.

 

C) Threatening to have my cat’s balls re-attached just so I can have him neutered again.

 

D) Putting an ad on Kijiji for a lonely person who needs an attention-whoring cat to love. ” Warning: Kitty will suckle at your tit if you fall asleep with your shirt off.”

 

E) All of the above.

The Return of Demon Cat … FAIL

2 Sep

I got up this morning to the smell of fresh poo and a urine soaked rug. Where was demon cat? In the litter box finishing what he started but now in the appropriate place. It’s like half-way through desecrating my apartment with his filth, it occurred to him that there’s actually a place for his shit that he and Mommy can agree upon. Too late!

I have so had it with this cat. The list of infractions is too long but I’ll summarize

– I have to replace the dry wall in my bedroom because of a hole he put in it. I am still trying to figure out how he did it.

– My bedroom door has scratches around the door knob from him trying to get in the bedroom while I’m in the middle of  “alone time”. I don’t like Kitties watching me during “alone time”. It’s just wrong.

– He has peed in every vase, pot, dish, plate, shoe, bucket or box that I have absentmindedly left out in the open.

– He has eaten $500 worth of Italian leather shoes.

– He peed on the range while one of the burners was on.

– He has chewed up several of my pub crawling blouses, so I haven’t been out pub crawling in months.

– He ate $85 worth of make up from Sephora, while leaving the cheap Walmart stuff in tact.

And the list goes on. I have put up with this for 9 months, growing more and more attached and simultaneously frustrated. This morning I decided that he just had to go. When you start fantasizing about the garbage truck running over your cat, backing up and running over him again, you know it’s time for him to go.

Too bad he’s such a cute little fucker.

The humane society has no room for him (I guess I should have called first before driving 40 minutes to them), so I’ve had to place ads in the local paper and on the interwebs.

If you know anybody with a heart of gold who is willing to care for a very adorable and affectionate kitty, who will most likely destroy anything you own of value, and then some, please let me know. Kitty needs a good home. I can no longer provide one since he has destroyed it.

Product Review: Cover FX…sort of

14 Jun

So, I had intended to do a thorough review of Cover FX’s Total Coverage Cream Foundation and Mineral Foundation, but all along the way I had a saboteur waiting in the wings for the opportunity to pounce and destroy every chance at happiness I might have found with flawless-looking skin.

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