Tag Archives: english premier league

Faux News: Arsenal, City, United and Chelsea in battle to sign kicking fetus

25 Nov

Expectant mother, Lizabetta Cordona Espero of Majorca, Spain has a very difficult decision to make. With a stroke of a pen, she could be setting up her family for life. She could also be setting up her unborn son for a life of heavy expectations as the next big young thing in English football. It all started when at 5 months into her pregnancy, Lizabetta began to experience severe abdominal pains. Ultrasounds revealed her unborn son was using his twin sister’s head as a football. Soon word got out and news of her unborn son’s unparalleled coordination and football prowess reached the ears of Arsene Wenger. Wenger has shown in the past his willingness to snatch babies from their mothers’ breasts and bring then into Arsenal’s system. Now it seems as if Wenger can’t wait for the delivery of Lizabetta’s twins.

Wenger has made several visits to Lizabetta’s hometown and has spoken to her and her husband, Carlos, on numerous occasions all in the hope of assuring them that their signing away the life of their child into football servitude is in no way premature. As news of Wengers interest caught the attention of the EPL’s other big managers, interest in Baby A, as Lizabetta’s unborn son is known in her prenatal medical records, has skyrocketed. Sir Alex Ferguson has been heard saying that if he can’t have Baby A, he intends to make sure that Wenger can’t have him either.

“Over my dead body! He probably won’t start for any team until after I’m in adult diapers but that’s besides the point,” said City manager Roberto Mancini. “Why should Wenger have a monopoly on the future?” Other managers seem to share this sentiment as officials from Chelsea and Tottenham have also been in contact with Lizabetta and her family.

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.


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Yes, Ayn. This is sports.

4 Oct
VICTORIA CONCORDIA CRESCIT

VICTORIA CONCORDIA CRESCIT

Note: Liverpool, Tottenham, Chelsea, Man-U, City and Villa etc. fans, don’t come here with hateful comments. I am not here to rag on any other team but to bask in the glow of my Gunner-love. So, respectfully bugger off. That being said …

So I love Arsenal. No, scratch that. I am in love with Arsenal. My relationship with Arsenal is the longest I have ever had with the male species. Doesn’t hurt that we are talking about a group of men (the members of which are subject to change from time to time), lead by the most paternalistic of men – Arsene Wenger. Even when they leave me (and Arsenal) behind, I still have a lot of love for them. Thierry Henry, I am looking at you. Emmanuel Adebayor being one exception.

Fabulous Fabregas

Fabulous Fabregas

This season has been particularly fun, despite the roller coaster start. Watching Cesc Fabregas become a bona fide badass is the best part. Yeah, I love me some Cesc. It seems unfair to single out one player in particular, since Arsenal’s success has always been a group effort, but Cesc’s leadership in the middle is such a huge part of the beautiful style of football that the Gunners play.

Finding and falling in love with Arsenal took me out of a dark period of my life when I didn’t have a Premiership team to cheer for. None of the other sides seemed to fit, plus I couldn’t cheer for Manchester United because of my brother’s long-standing love for that team. In my family, you’re not allowed to be on the same team as another sibling. My other brother is a Liverpool fan. Nobody’s perfect, I guess. So for a time, I had unfulfilling non-exclusive relationships with Everton and Manchester City. Chelsea was never an option, despite Mourinho’s tenure. I just couldn’t care that deeply about the style of football I was seeing before my eyes. The Gunners saved me from literally giving up on Premiership football and football in general.

So what if they don’t have a break-out star who will score 20+ goals for them per season? I like the idea of shared wealth and responsibility. So what if they’ve got mostly foreign players? As an immigrant, I have no problem with that. So what if Arsene Wenger likes to take players from their adolescence and bring them up through the ranks? I try not to think about that too hard. Plus, there must be some benefits to having his brand of discipline imposed on someone at an early age.

So, thank you Arsenal, for stopping me from placing the metaphorical loaded revolver in my mouth and saying goodbye to the EPL and footy in general. Thank you for saving my footy-fan life.