Tag Archives: faux news

Faux News: Arsenal, City, United and Chelsea in battle to sign kicking fetus

25 Nov

Expectant mother, Lizabetta Cordona Espero of Majorca, Spain has a very difficult decision to make. With a stroke of a pen, she could be setting up her family for life. She could also be setting up her unborn son for a life of heavy expectations as the next big young thing in English football. It all started when at 5 months into her pregnancy, Lizabetta began to experience severe abdominal pains. Ultrasounds revealed her unborn son was using his twin sister’s head as a football. Soon word got out and news of her unborn son’s unparalleled coordination and football prowess reached the ears of Arsene Wenger. Wenger has shown in the past his willingness to snatch babies from their mothers’ breasts and bring then into Arsenal’s system. Now it seems as if Wenger can’t wait for the delivery of Lizabetta’s twins.

Wenger has made several visits to Lizabetta’s hometown and has spoken to her and her husband, Carlos, on numerous occasions all in the hope of assuring them that their signing away the life of their child into football servitude is in no way premature. As news of Wengers interest caught the attention of the EPL’s other big managers, interest in Baby A, as Lizabetta’s unborn son is known in her prenatal medical records, has skyrocketed. Sir Alex Ferguson has been heard saying that if he can’t have Baby A, he intends to make sure that Wenger can’t have him either.

“Over my dead body! He probably won’t start for any team until after I’m in adult diapers but that’s besides the point,” said City manager Roberto Mancini. “Why should Wenger have a monopoly on the future?” Other managers seem to share this sentiment as officials from Chelsea and Tottenham have also been in contact with Lizabetta and her family.

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.


Faux News: Cost of Freedom reaches record high of $15.97

15 Oct

The National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) recently reported that the annual cost of freedom, which it has been estimating since 1945, reached a record high of $15.97 per person on September 31st, 2011.  The NBER also reported that there are no signs of this cost lowering or plateauing in the near future. Recent projections have the cost freedom reaching $2 billion per person by 2050. A clear explanation for the sudden rise in the cost of freedom could not be given, but certain elected officials who would prefer to remain anonymous have pointed to the sheer number of pointless Jennifer Aniston movies made in the past three years as a key concern. Legislation is likely to follow.

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

Faux News: New Facebook Policy Prevents Ubiquitous Close-ups

4 Sep

After years of complaining bitterly to any Facebook executive that would listen, Brooke Nordstrom is getting her wish. In a move that will take effect on October 1st, 2011, Facebook will prevent users from uploading super-close-up head-shots of themselves as their profile picture. For years, lazy users have been uploading distorted and distasteful extreme close-ups of their faces using mainly camera phones. The results are jarring and disturbing to friends. Most friends are too polite to say anything. Some even go as far as “liking” the profile picture change.

“I was being sarcastic,” said Shelley Baker who ‘liked’ a friends new abomination of a profile photo within 30 seconds of it being posted. “I was hoping she would be shocked by how quickly I liked it and take a hint.”

Shelley was disappointed when a week later her friend uploaded a new super-close-up of her face this time with her head slightly tilted to the left.

“It’s the Facebook equivalent of watching the driver ahead of you flick a cigarette butt out the window. It’s so disgusting! You want to drive them down so you can cut them off, drag them out of the car and then beat some sense into them with a tire iron … but most of us don’t do anything like that. Most of us,” said Mark Zuckerberg, cofounder of Facebook and a chief proponent of the new policy.

Zuckerberg and friend (we use the term ‘friend’ loosely since Zuckerberg has no real friends), Xavier Hackett, created (we use the term ‘created’ loosely since Zuckerberg probably stole it from someone else) the software (we use the term ‘software’ loosely since it’s probably a piece of shit loaded with spyware that sells your secrets to the largest multinational corporations) that examines your profile photos (we use the term ‘your profile photos’ loosely since Facebook secretly owns everything that you upload and will keep it till the end of time even if you disable your account) to determine whether or not you have violated the new ‘no close-ups’ policy. In the next iteration of the policy Zuckerberg hopes to prevent users from uploading profile photos that look almost identical in composition to previous profile photos.

“People need to be more fucking creative. They need to change their poses. Change their fucking shirts or something. God! How many times have I seen two drunk girls drinking from red plastic cups and one of them has a nipple exposed? One time too many.”

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

Faux News: “We were on a break,” says Obama

9 Aug

As more and more former supporters decide to break up with him, President Obama has taken to spouting cliches. In his latest address, hoping to calm fears of a deep recession as well as bolster his campaign coffers, the President explained that his lack of success in delivering campaign promises and his faltering leadership over the last 4 years are really not his fault. In fact, it’s really the fault of the American people. “You gave up on me too soon,” said Obama before pausing to wipe a phantom tear from his left eye. “You pulled away from me and I did the best that I could. As far as I knew, we were on a break. Anything goes when you’re on a break.”

So where do we go from here? According to Obama, relationship counselling and stronger communication are key to America’s survival during these difficult times. “We need to stay together and see this through. For the sake of the children, this dysfunctional relationship cannot continue.” The President also hinted that America needed to alter its expectations. “I’m not going to get it right, every night of the week. There’s a lot you will have to do for yourselves. I don’t mind paying for the C-size batteries.”

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

Faux News: Tom Cruise is the new ‘Spawn’

7 Aug

You know how sometimes, in order to be politically correct and avoid being accused of racial profiling airport security will inexplicably pull some elderly white lady out of the line and do a secondary search and mini-interrogation? Well, in order to respond to criticism over the lack of diversity in recent casting of comic-book-inspired movies, Warner Bros has inexplicably decided to cast Tom Cruise as ‘Spawn’. Spawn was previously played by Michael Jai White, an African American actor, in the 1997 film. In a joint statement, the film’s director Zac Snyder and Buddy Linden, a Warner Bros executive, said “There will be a lot of angry people whatever we decide to do but at least now the viewing public can’t accuse of doing the obvious. You can’t get much more out there and fucked up as Tom Cruise. The fact that we’re willing to put up with the Scientology tents and monochromatic dresscode for the crew shows our commitment to diversity.”

 

Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.