Tag Archives: Greatest Actors of Our Time

Turn this Muthaf**** left, Troy!

10 May

Samuel L. Jackson GPS has been available from Avis since 2007. For some reason, not many people have requested this optional feature. Why the fuck not, people? Sheeeeeit!

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Nic Cage: The Second Greatest Actor of Our Time

6 Apr

Nic Cage has a new role. The second greatest actor of our time (see #1 here) has been cast in the yet untitled Chad Kroeger/Nickleback biopic. Casting director Mussa Chucsondic did not let the age difference between Cage and Kroeger deter him. “There are only about 2-3 years of [Chad’s] life that are actually remotely possibly interesting, so we just need to CGI the fuck out  of Nic’s wrinkles and we’re good to go.” When asked to comment, producer Berry Muckgriemer could not contain his excitement. “You’ve got one douchebag playing another. Normally you leave that sort of thing to Sean Penn but it’s Nic’s turn now. It’s going to be EPIC!”

What do you think? Brilliant casting or what?

Nic has the talentless and boring look down cold.

The Third Greatest Actor of Out Time is the LAW!

12 Dec

Steven Seagal is a deputy sheriff. Let that marinate in your mind for a bit. I can’t tell my mother this because she’ll just go out and commit a crime just so she can be subdued and handcuffed by the man who is only surpassed in acting ability by David Caruso and Nic Cage.

Warning: Before watching the video, you should prepare yourself for the state of Seagal. Steven looks like he’s been eating his body-weight in lard on a weekly basis.

The second greatest actor or our time needs your help

14 Nov

Forget about Steven Seagal who is, coincidentally, the third greatest actor or our time. Nic Cage is under siege. The actor who starred in such epic masterpieces as The Wicker Man, Bangkok Dangerous, Ghost Rider, National Treasure, Next, Vampire’s Kiss and Peggy Sue Got Married is being stalked by shifty-eyed mimes. Well, he’s also heavily in debt, his hair is thinning and he looks like a strung out meth-head, but that’s really inconsequential.

bald-nic-cage1

Say it ain't so, Nic.

The true measure of a society is demonstrated in how they treat their washed up, talentless, skeevy, drug-addled, sex-obsessed, former action heroes. When the aliens land to take over the Earth and threaten to sodomize the lot of us, let us show them that we are a compassionate race. Give generously to the Save Nic Cage from Shifty-Eyed Mimes … oh and from possible financial ruin … Fund. *

saynotomimes

Just Say No

Photo source: Grantville Gazette

*100% of every donation will go to covering administrative expenses, such as buying new Aldo shoes for Nibby and action figures for swampmusic. Special thanks to missberlish for bringing this serious issue to our attention. The ladies of singlarity wish to do their part in eradicating the scourge of the Earth. Effin mimes!!!

Nic Cage: The Second Greatest Actor of Our Time

5 Nov

Not that I like to kick a man when he’s down, but Nicholas Cage is one of those actors who clearly has done films solely for the paycheck, maybe due to his apparent money troubles. Despite having eight limbs, that pet octopus isn’t going to feed itself. When his heart is not in the role, you would think he would phone in his performance instead of overacting. Then again, you don’t pay to see Nic Cage be quiet and subtle. I just wish he’d spent some of that money on decent hair plugs.

For the greatest actor of our time, click here.

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