Tag Archives: manchester united

Faux News: Arsenal, City, United and Chelsea in battle to sign kicking fetus

25 Nov

Expectant mother, Lizabetta Cordona Espero of Majorca, Spain has a very difficult decision to make. With a stroke of a pen, she could be setting up her family for life. She could also be setting up her unborn son for a life of heavy expectations as the next big young thing in English football. It all started when at 5 months into her pregnancy, Lizabetta began to experience severe abdominal pains. Ultrasounds revealed her unborn son was using his twin sister’s head as a football. Soon word got out and news of her unborn son’s unparalleled coordination and football prowess reached the ears of Arsene Wenger. Wenger has shown in the past his willingness to snatch babies from their mothers’ breasts and bring then into Arsenal’s system. Now it seems as if Wenger can’t wait for the delivery of Lizabetta’s twins.

Wenger has made several visits to Lizabetta’s hometown and has spoken to her and her husband, Carlos, on numerous occasions all in the hope of assuring them that their signing away the life of their child into football servitude is in no way premature. As news of Wengers interest caught the attention of the EPL’s other big managers, interest in Baby A, as Lizabetta’s unborn son is known in her prenatal medical records, has skyrocketed. Sir Alex Ferguson has been heard saying that if he can’t have Baby A, he intends to make sure that Wenger can’t have him either.

“Over my dead body! He probably won’t start for any team until after I’m in adult diapers but that’s besides the point,” said City manager Roberto Mancini. “Why should Wenger have a monopoly on the future?” Other managers seem to share this sentiment as officials from Chelsea and Tottenham have also been in contact with Lizabetta and her family.


Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or deadis for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.