Tag Archives: New Moon

New Moon Review: Good luck with that Taurus, Edward

15 Dec

Just Saw New Moon and OMG. It was a total emo fest! It wasn’t unintentionally funny like the first movie [Twilight]…this one was basically all, “WOE IS ME! My man is gone…the only way to fill the void is to fuck up my chance at a good education and do some cliff diving to ease the pain! WOE.”

It’s…wow. There are no WORDS! Although I will admit, Jacob, the werewolf guy, is hot. But he’s emo too, and he’s going through some werewolf PMS in this one. Apparently shifters can’t get angry, because they can’t control said anger and sometimes get violent with people they lurve! So he has these Hulk moments where he looks like he’s gonna lose his shit, but he goes off and does some Lamaze breathing, so it’s okay! And uhm, let’s see…Bella broods. A lot. Her whole life revolves around Edward (Noooo! Didn’t see that coming). She has these moments where she spouts emo poetry, complains about voids never being able to be filled, blah blah blah. And what else? Oh, Edward sparkles more. It still disturbs me. Nothing new there.

But there is something I am disappointed about.

NO VOLVO.

So disappointed. You have no idea. I mean, you can’t have Edward without his Volvo! What was the director thinking? I have faith that this problem will be fixed in the sequel. HOW IS EDWARD SUPPOSED TO SAVE BELLA IF HE DOESN’T HAVE HIS VOLVO? What, is he supposed to settle saving her with a Ford or something? HE MAY AS WELL NOT BOTHER. Good luck trying to save your lady love with a Taurus, buddy!

New Moon Survival Guide

19 Nov

New Moon, the second installment of the Twilight Saga opens tomorrow. Those of us who are either unimpressed (swampmusic), uninterested (Ayn Rant and JoZ), slightly curious (Nibby and RetroVixen) or just moderate fans may want to prepare ourselves for the crazies. Believe me, there will be crazies. So here’s a guide to help you get through the days and weeks ahead. According to Dr. Nibs, the hysteria on this film should have a half-life about 3 weeks. Beyond that, it may be safe to carry out normal activities.

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Adventures in Sarcasm – New Moon

17 Nov

ARE YOU READY OR ARE YOU READY?!

The new Twilight movie is coming out this week, BBs!! Are you excited?!! Our dream vamp with the 4-star rating Volvo is going to Italy and CGI-Obvious werewolves are going to be bitch slapped in the face by a teenage girl. MY EXCITEMENT CANNOT BE CONTAINED. AND Star Trek is coming out on DVD tomorrow. I don’t think I can handle this much awesomeness in one week.

Edward's first cousin

My little pony sparkles like Edward Cullen