Tag Archives: relationships

Songs for Valentine’s Day … sorta :-)

13 Feb

There’s all kinds of love out there. I’m dedicating this to my little cuddly-kitty, Baxter. He only loves me because I feed him and give him belly rubs, but as I was told recently by a friend, lots of guys operate in the same way. For many Valentine’s Day isn’t just about showing the people you love how deep that love is, it’s also about facing the truth about your feelings – good or bad.

For the recent inhabitants of Splitsville:

For those of us who really want to get even with our exes:

For the deeply miserable but stuck

For those of us separated by time or space from the ones we love:

For those of us who have moved on and are loving the freedom

For those of us about to take the big risk (don’t but if you must):

For those of us who are too in love with ourselves for a relationship:

Finally, for those of us filled with self-pity:

My date was not a pinhead in the generic sense

20 Aug

In fact, he was the Pinhead. He was intelligent and articulate, but not particularly easy on the eyes. Actually, he was rather painful to look at. I decided I would give him a chance, even though his photo on his eHarmony profile seemed to have been taken at his acupuncturist’s office. He apparently has major migraines and this is the only thing he knows that works. I can relate. One time, my migraine was so debilitating, I fantasized about taking a drill to my head. True story.

I decided that we should meet for coffee in a public place after the horror that was my last first date. Thanks, Mom. Anyway, he showed up in a full leather ensemble that looked one-part Dracula and one-part Neo from the matrix. In other words he looked like the Archbishop of S&M. I was not impressed. I figured that he must have been from some alternate dimension or he just hadn’t been on a date in years. Everybody knows that on the first date, you try to look as cookie-cutter as possible and on future dates once you’re feeling more comfortable, you can bring out all your freaky shit from storage. I certainly wasn’t going to show him my storage locker until the third or fourth date.

Still, I was optimistic because of the gentlemanly way in which he greeted me and pulled out the chair for me … with his mind. I almost fainted and rightly so. After all the douche bags and small penises I’ve dated, I deserve a telekinetic. Just think of the possibilities. I immediately asked him what else he could do but he just ignored that question and asked me if I was a religious person.

“Do you believe in Hell? Would you like to know more about it?”

“Well, there was this one Christmas I was in this long line at the gift wrap at Sears and I swear I was almost okay with the ground opening up and swallowing me whole. Does that count?”

“Not really.”

“Oh, sorry.” I tried hard to think of something else to say but my mind was a wasteland.

“I don’t think this is going to work,” he said after some time.

“But I just sat down.”

“You don’t have a soul worth taking.”

Okay, that was way harsh, and had I not been worried about making a scene, I would have burst into tears right then and there. I tried to remain classy.

“Well, fuck you and the hellhound you rode in on!”

“I think you should leave now, before I change my mind.” He seemed so sad and resigned as he said this.

“Wait, so you mean there’s a chance?”

He looked at me like I had three eyes in my head. Dude! You’re the one with the weird piercings, I thought. Realizing that I may have sounded a tad desperate or pathetic, I cleared my throat and stood up.

“Well, good luck with your search for a soul mate.”

Who ever she is, I do not envy her. Kissing him without drawing blood would require special skills that I do not possess. Oh well. Better luck next time.

My Date with Jason Voorhees

13 Aug

I guess I should have known things wouldn’t turn out well when my date showed up wearing a hockey mask. I distinctly put on my e-Harmony profile that I don’t want to be a hockey-widow and cannot abide guys who are so obsessed with the sport that it permeates every aspect of their lives. It’s just annoying. I will not be second to hockey! His refusal to take off the mask was really off-putting. I was beginning to think that the mommy-issues he mentioned on his profile were not his only problems.

Still, he was wearing camping apparel – cargo pants, a faded and moth-eaten army-surplus jacket, a plain t-shirt and hiking boots – and since I like camping I thought I should remain open-minded. Also, I have some overgrown shrubs in the backyard and his large machete made me optimistic. He even demonstrated his branch-slashing techniques as he came through the doorway. How thrilling, I thought. He seemed a bit nervous though, because he continued to mime slashing the brush away even as I invited him into the living room for some tea and cookies. Eventually, I just took the machete from him and placed it in the coat closet.

That seemed to signal to him that I was ready for sexy time because he cleared the coffee table with one sweep of his hand and threw me down on the couch. I told him that I don’t usually do this on the first date and tried to get him to slow down a bit but he was all hands. He seemed to like squeezing my neck and twisting my arms. I told him that I’m not averse to rough sex but I thought we should at least get to know each other better and at minimum establish a safe word. He seemed puzzled.

Fortunately, at that very moment the phone rang. I let it go to the answering machine since I prefer to screen all my calls. It was my mother calling to remind me that the pharmacy had sent my yeast infection medication to her house by accident. With that, Jason was out of there. Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. He even had something green growing behind his ears and he had a foul odor. Who was he to judge me?

Anyway, I don’t expect a call back.

If you have single friends, please read this

30 Apr

Normally I find the advice columns on Yahoo! absolutely banal and useless. In the end, I always wish for the 30 seconds to 5 minutes back. Today, I was surprised to find some truth and relevance in Erin Meanley’s “19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person“. Perhaps it felt true because the 19 things were gathered from Twitter. I like it so much, I want to print it out and put in the mailboxes of all of my married friends. ALL OF THEM. As much as I love them and respect them, they are all guilty of uttering these cliches at one time or another.

My Mother, who I absolutely adore, is guilty of saying “You’ll find him when you’re not looking,” at least once every few weeks and twice on my birthday. She’s been saying it since I was 21 years old and then a first-time bridesmaid. I need her to stop with that B S now. In fact, if I’m ever so lucky to have a daughter, I will never tell her this. NEVER, as God is my witness. When I first heard it, it was comforting and I sorta believed it. Later on, I began to believe that my search efforts were actually sabotaging my chances and my perceived lack of patience was to blame. In other words, because I kept looking, I was not deserving. I am so over that shit. Now 10+ years later, when I hear those words from her lips, I want to throw furniture against the walls and eat nails.

My dear married friend, Krissy, is guilty of saying “I live vicariously through you and your exciting single life.” Yeah, thanks. I’m glad my lack of a successful coupling is entertaining to you. I should merrily go on a billion nerve-racking first dates just so you can have the simple joys of helping me pick out my outfit, going over strategies to get that second date or how to extricate myself from a loser, and consoling me when it inevitably goes south. I realize that it’s important that it goes south, otherwise there would be nothing to bitch about. I understand that the comment has good intentions, but it’s condescending as all Hell and you know what they say about the pathway to Hell.

My least favorite comments occur at weddings. It’s gotten to the point where I dread weddings.  I have at least 1 to attend this summer. It’s like I have to justify my lifestyle while at the same time frown upon it. It always begins with “Why are you still single?” or “Don’t you want to be married?” I haven’t gotten to the point of running out of the banquet hall in tears yet, but who knows what will happen this wedding season. So, I am begging all of you married/long-term relationship people, if you happen to be at a wedding this year and you’re chatting with a single friend, PLEASE don’t do this. Don’t make an already intolerably awkward situation for a single person into a waking nightmare. Also, if you see a single person being needlessly harassed in this way, it is your duty as a charitable human being to interrupt and rescue that individual.

By the way, TLC, I fucking hate you with your “Say Yes to the Dress” and “Wedding Fridays”. It’s completely and utterly insensitive.

It’s coming … dia del saber de soltero

6 Feb

Not that I'm bitter or anything ...

February 14th is a Sunday this year. It would be a perfectly normal and wonderful Sunday if people in relationships didn’t feel obligated to book out my favorite restaurant, buy out the tickets at my favorite movie theater, leave the shelves of my favorite fudge shop bare, rent out the latest DVD releases, or eviscerate the farmer’s market of all the cut flowers. These acts are all completely uncoordinated but since they all coincide on one particularly frosty February day, it can feel like the universe is giving me the middle finger.

I’m a romantic. I like seeing other people in love and I’ve got no problem walking around people on sidewalks who insist on staring into each other’s eyes, while holding hands and taking 4 steps per minute. I don’t mind it 364 days of the year. People couple up all the time and get schmoopy, silly and giddy. It’s awesome. It’s just that on February 14th, the schmoopiness, silliness and giddiness reaches record levels while my tolerance for them seems to reach record lows.

... even for the unloved.

So someone like me that wants to treat this day like any other day of the year and doesn’t make plans in advance is just shit of out luck if I want to venture outside of my house and do my normal activities, like walking down the street or going to the Lebanese place for a donair. The simple truth is that if you want to enjoy Valentines’ Day as a single you’ve got to act like you’re not single. You have to be pro-active and make plans (with your similarly afflicted friends), even if those plans are to do nothing at all. Even being left completely to your own devices is difficult on VD, as evidenced by last year’s 2am orgasmic wake-up call courtesy of my neighbors.  Make earplugs part of your plans. I’m not sure why the obligatory VD shag has to be louder than normal, but I digress.

Simply winging it will just lead to exasperation and frustration, which if unchecked can lead to you calling your mother and crying over the phone, not that I’ve ever done that. Jerry Razon at UrbanDictionary.com said it best:

Singles Awareness Day is also abbreviated “SAD” which can be found quite fitting to many people, ironic to the people in relationships, and quite clever to those who don’t give a shit either way.

When I was a kid, my parents always did stuff with us for Valentines’ Day, so I’ve never really had a negative feeling about the holiday as you would expect someone who is chronically single. I continue the tradition to this day as I always send my mother (and my grandmother when she was alive) something for Valentines’ Day. As my Dad would say, there are all different kinds of love and all of them need to be celebrated. So this year, I plan to show some love to all my sweethearts and I’ve got loads of them – too many to name.

Awww yeah!

Last year, I made special plans to get me through the festival of loneliness, but they got derailed, ironically, by a man who ended up leaving me high and dry for Valentines’ Day. This year, I will be more vigilant. I am not going to fall for anyone between now and the 14th. NO WAY. My plans are set. I don’t care if he looks like Alexander Skarsgard.

Not my Valentine. Pity.

Well, … no, no, no … no! I shall not be tempted. February 14th is going to be my day!

This guy needs a handjob

So, while I continue to search for a decent man who won’t mind mowing my lawn, I’d rather be on my own than caught in a bad romance. Speaking of which …

Alex never said she was fat.