Tag Archives: True Advice

True Advice: True Blood Does A Body and Mind Good

13 Jan

While the show True Blood is just a guilty-pleasure for most, for me it is almost a full-time obsession. I’ve watched both seasons on numerous occasions and like to take note of all the valuable lessons I’ve learned. One thing I have noticed is the show’s love for men with really well defined abs. While none of the men on the show could be classified as normal, they seem pretty well-adjusted, that is, able to deal with all the crazy shit that goes on in Bon Temps. Join me as I go over some of the mental and physical health lessons I’ve gleaned from two seasons of True Blood.

Lesson 1: Build upper-body strength

Make racerback tanks part of your gym ensemble

Look at Alexander Skarsgard’s transformation in just a few short years. He’s definitely got broader shoulders and more defined biceps and triceps. His pecs are pectacular. On the show, Eric keeps himself in great shape by bench-pressing vampire-haters and v-dealers. Also, those people who use religion to preach hate (e.g. Steve Newlin) make great dumbbells. Both men and women can benefit greatly from improved upper-body strength. Stronger shoulders and back muscles help to keep your spine in alignment.

Lesson 2: Be there for others

Sometimes our own troubles seem insurmountable and sometimes it feels like you’re drowning in your own shit that you’ve got nothing left to give, but this is exactly the time when you must give. Being there for others even when chaos rules your own life helps to put things in perspective. Things could always be worse, and for some one out there, it actually is. Taking a break from your own problems and dealing with someone else’s can be rejuvenating and empowering.

Lesson 3: Minimize your Middle

0% Body Fat. Unfortunately, not available in your grocer's freezer.


As we all know, carrying excess weight around the middle can be detrimental to your health. It can also make for a disgusting sight if you’re Mike Spencer and you’re lying naked on Sookie Stackhouse’s kitchen floor or if you’re Andy Bellefleur and you dance like “an epileptic on meth”. So, take a page from Jason Stackhouse – work out like a mofo and watch lots of “educational” porn. You’ll learn stuff.

Lesson 4: Don’t bottle things up

I (heart) heart-to-hearts

Dealing with trauma, stress or grief is a lot easier if you allow someone else to share the burden with you. Who better than someone who shares the same experiences or has always been there for you in the past? Lafayette found a kindred spirit in Terry Bellefleur while dealing with the fallout of his imprisonment and torture by Eric. No one is ever truly alone. NO ONE. Jason went looking for meaning and purpose in all the wrong places following the death of his grandmother, the deaths of his lovers, Maudette, Dawn and Amy and the death of Eddie by the hands of Amy. He couldn’t tell Sookie, or his best friend Hoyt about his inner turmoil. Instead telling a stranger, Sarah Newlin, who exploited Jason’s confusion and made things worse.

Lesson 5: Don’t forget about your legs, hips and thighs

Eric regularly flexes his leg muscles to drop kick or launch the latest annoying fangbanger at Fangtasia into the next Sheriff’s area. Lafayette likes to get a good workout by swinging his hips, squatting and gyrating for Eric or on video for his many legions of fans. As a result, the consummate entrepreneur has a great pair of gams. It’s great when you can find a way to exercise without it feeling like work.

Lesson 6: Get in the water

The water looks inviting

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. The best shape I have ever been in is when I was 14 and went swimming 3 times per week. Back then I really wasn’t concerned about how I looked in a bathing suit and I was the fastest, beating the boys in my swim class regularly. I don’t swim now because I can’t abide chlorine, but these new salt-water pools are giving me hope that very soon I could be making a return to the pool. Sam Merlotte enjoys a relaxing swim every now and then. Swimming is great because of the low impact on your joints.

True Advice: New Year’s Resolutions

31 Dec

2009 and the second season of True Blood have given me a lot of food for thought. From Octo-mom to Maryanne Forrester, I have no shortage of crazy-ass women as role models. Hoyt Fortenberry isn’t the only one with mother-issues, and between the Hamby’s, Bill Compton and Jon and Kate Gosselin, I have a pretty good idea what shitty parenting looks like. As the new year approaches, I’m looking to 2010 with hope.

Here are some of my New Year’s resolutions, inspired by True Blood characters.

New look. You like?

New look. You like?

Eric Northman

Eric’s transformation from one-dimensional badass to complex and sexy mofo has inspired me to change my hair and update my look as well as let my friends see a little bit more of my softer side instead of the always happy-shiny and often impenetrable facade. For Eric, loyalty is the most precious commodity and whether it comes via a blood bond or a thousand years of friendship, he gives it and receives it. I feel the same way about my friends and I am resolved to continue to be there for them and to be honest with them about my life. My friends might forget my birthday, or be lazy like Pam, but when it really matters, I know I can count on them.

Sookie and Jason Stackhouse

I’m resolved to spend more time and energy connecting with my mom and siblings. No matter the distance or the issues between us, my family is always there for me and those relationships are central in my life. Communication is key. If Sookie and Jason had been more open and honest with each other, Jason wouldn’t have ended up with the Fellowship of the Sun and Sookie wouldn’t always be so emotionally dependent on Bill (or Beeeel! Oh Beeel!) or so desperate to connect with someone like poor Barry.

Bill Compton

I’ve resolved to love myself more and to surgically remove the giant stick up my ass. Self-loathing is a terrible thing and I need learn to accept myself, flaws and all, before I could even consider being in a relationship or having children. My sometimes low self-esteem is something that I don’t want to pass on to the children I may have some day. Bill, before he was taken, was just beginning to realize that he needed to take a different approach with Jessica. Unfortunately for Bill, Hoyt and Jessica (and that nasty-ass truck driver), it was a little too late. Also, jealousy is a destructive emotion. I am determined to just accept that there are people out there that are going to be more successful and attractive than I am (Beyonce, I am looking at you!). Bill needs to just get over his jealousy of Eric. His insecurities and jealousy could cost Sookie her life and possibly push her away.

These two have major issues together and separately

Sam Merlotte

I’m determined to be more open and honest about who I am, what I want and how I feel. When Sam finally revealed himself to his friends, their reaction wasn’t as horrible at he thought it would be. In fact, Jason thought it was the most awesome thing ever. Sam’s fear of coming out of the closet allowed Maryanne’s debauchery to spread unfettered throughout Bon Temps. Now Sam is on a quest to find out more about his parents and himself – something that I will strive to do myself in 2010.

Tara Mae Thornton

Tara allowed her desperation for a deep and meaningful romantic relationship to turn her into a complete zombie. First season Tara was a cynical, sarcastic, independent and uncompromising badass. In the second season, she sacrificed her common sense, independence and cynicism for a guitar-playing, washboard-abed amnesiac who was Maryanne’s chief puppet. In 2010, no man is going to turn me into a jackass. NO EFFIN’ WAY!!!

Maryanne Forrester

Everyone needs to make room for a little chaos and a little freedom. I’m not going to go crazy and stop wearing pants like Jane Bodehouse, but I am determined to live a little and enjoy what’s left of my youth. Also, I really should dance more. As for waiting almost an eternity for the god who never comes – not I! I am not going to go to unimaginable lengths to find a husband. If it’s meant to be, it really shouldn’t be that hard and it should never involve cutting out people’s hearts and making hunter’s pie with them, although my stint with eHarmony had me wondering about that for a bit.

Jessica Hamby

2010 will bring a lot of changes and curve balls my way. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and being scared of change, I’m going to go out there and embrace it and make lemonade out of the lemons I’m dealt. Jessica was turned at age 16, before she’d really had a chance to live. She pouted for a bit, but for the most part she’s tried to embrace her second life and good things happened to her like meeting Hoyt. Unfortunately, Alan Ball is a sadist, so her happiness was short-lived, but Jessica is not one to sit at home and whine. She’s out there now ridding the world of craddle-robbing skeazeballs one at a time.

He'll do whatever it takes not to end up here again

Laffy doesn't want to end up here again

Lafayette Reynolds

Self-preservation is Lafayette’s strongest motive and second only to his protective instincts for Tara, his cousin. Selling out his buddy Jason to Eric got Lafayette no where and his lack of loyalty in this matter was probably the determining factor in Eric’s decision to use him as a pawn rather than making him vampire. So from Laffy’s experience I have learned that there are just some things I should never sacrifice in order to save my own ass and that I should never get so wrapped up in my own shit that I am unable to recognize when the people I love need my help.


Godric’s storyline was about redemption and transformation. He chose to stop feeding on humans and to move on to a higher plane of existence. It might have taken him 200o thousand years to get to that point, but it doesn’t mean he was a slow learner. Even though life can leave us jaded, there are still surprises out there, so I’m going to try to keep my crusty old heart open for all the beauty there still is in this world.

Even 2000 year old vampires can make stupid mistakes


Fabulous and Bitchy. My motto for 2010.

True Advice: Romantic Entanglements

15 Oct

After watching two seasons of True Blood, I think I have learned a thing or two about relationships, or rather how not to act while in a relationship.

Tip #1: Never tell your significant other that you will always be together and that nothing can get between you.

"No power in the 'verse!"

"No power in the 'verse!"

That’s the equivalent of challenging the universe and the universe is bigger than you and your lover and so you will always lose. Just be happy with the time that you have together. Instead tell your significant other that you enjoy every second you have together and that you should not take a second for granted. Ever notice that just as you’re feeling that your love is epic and the stuff that legends are made of, an ex will show up on the scene just to confuse you or to cause trouble.

Tip #2: Never gloat in front of your romantic rival and tell him/her to admit defeat until you’ve “put a ring on it.”

Never count the tall blond out.

Never count the tall blond out.

Once again, you are waking a sleeping giant (in Eric’s case he’s literally a giant) who obviously loves a challenge. Backing your romantic rival into a corner leads to some extreme and devious behavior. Just ask Lorena. Don’t always assume that he or she will play by the same code or rules like you. Also, if your romantic rival is older, wiser and way hotter, you might want to wait till the game clock has run out before you’ve declared victory.

Tip #3: Don’t be over-zealous especially in the early days of a relationship

She's his momma! Where are you from?

She's his momma! Where are you from?

Being too keen can be considered a serious turn off. It’s perfectly fine to bring flowers when meeting parental figures but it’s probably going a bit overboard to murder someone in the name of your loved one when you’ve been dating for less than 2 weeks. Also, biting his mother is usually a no-no, no matter how much she deserved it.

Tip #4: Black outs are never a good sign

Tara loved her scrambled Eggs

Tara loved her scrambled Eggs

If you find that you have significant gaps in your memory whenever you get together with your new love, it’s probably a good time to rethink the whole deal. Maybe a little time a part will be useful. If the blackouts are accompanied by mysterious bruises and tell-tale signs of sexual activity, it’s time to run and possibly get a restraining order.

Tip #5: Don’t be in a rush to exchange bodily fluids

Those lips taste like lies!

Those lips taste like lies!

Or have sex on a pool table. There’s a reason they say only fools rush in. Extreme loneliness is a piss poor excuse for exercising such lack of judgment. If you do decide to go for it early on, don’t get greedy (and drink several pints of his blood), take it slow. So what if the freckles in your eyes are mirror images and when you kiss they’re perfectly aligned? It’s time to come down now to reality. No one is perfect. Paranoia can be healthy in small doses.

Tip #6: Sometimes you need to let go

Unbreak my heart

Unbreak my heart

After spending many years together (like a millennium, for example) you will see that your relationship will evolve, with periods of heightened attraction followed by lulls only for things to get spicy again. To everything there is a season, a beginning and an end. Eventually you will have to go your separate ways. Maybe it will be a mutual decision. Maybe you’ll be pushed away. Maybe death will separate you. However it happens, you need to make your peace with it. Cry blood if you must, but life goes on.

Tip #7: Sometimes you need to have faith

Without trust there can be no love.

Without trust there can be no love.

I know I said earlier that paranoia is healthy in small doses, but sometimes you need to give your significant other a chance to earn your trust and prove his- or herself. There’s no point in being in a relationship if you just intend to hide your heart away in a vault and lose the combination. At some point you have to let the right one in.

Photo source: Blood Bonds