Tag Archives: True Blood

Alan Ball is the new Stephenie Meyer

15 Aug

Last night on True Blood, Sookie and Eric entered the shower, turned into Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, and entered the wintery wonderland of the Ice Queen’s Narnia, leaving me to ask “Where the fuck is Alsan?” I need him to break up this Twilightesque shitfest and restore Eric to some semblance of the viking warrior I know and love from Seasons 1-3 of this series and from Charlaine Harris’s novels and to shake Sookie out of her pedophilia.  Of course Alan Ball, inhabited by the spirit of Stephenie Meyer, wrote last night’s episode. Of course he did.  No one else knows how to take a concept that is steaming hot and dripping with sensuality and passion and turn it into cold, weepy, sacrin and juvenile escapism like Alan Ball/Stephenie Meyer. Sookie’s facial expression when she realized it was snowing was akin to Bella’s realization that Edward sparkled like diamonds in the sun. As she reached for Eric’s lovely ass, I reached for my sick bag.

It did not have to be so. Better, nay, more mature dialog could have saved that entire sequence and elevated it to true romance. Instead I was subjected to another installment of Sookie’s Adventures in Babysitting and Statutory Rape of a 6- foot 5-inch 12 year-old. Poor Little Ehwic just wants to stay foweva and foweva on the furry snow bed with his Sookie-bear. My shipping of Sookie and Eric shrunk like Eric’s … thingie … in the cold. Never thought I’d find a naked Alexander Skarsgard so unappealing.

So, I’m throwing down the gauntlet. I’m giving True Blood one last episode to make me give two shits about Eric and Sookie, or the rest of the cast for that matter. I still love you, Pam! I still love you, Jessica. Lafayette, get a haircut. The rest of y’all, besides (naked) Alcide, can kiss my ass! Oh, and Bill, fall on a stake already, your Highness.

Amnesia or Castration: What did that *itch do to Eric?

25 Jul

Sleeveless hoodies are pointless ... like Tara

We’ve had 3 full episodes of Amnesiac Eric and I have to say that so far I am not happy with the direction (nor the wardrobe: sleeveless hoodies are so dumb). I have no problem with the acting, as I think Skarsgard is doing a great job with what he’s being asked to do. However, whose bright idea was it to equate memory loss with a return to pre-adolescence? The low point for me was Eric saying “I had a bad dream,” after startling Sookie in the middle of the night and then crying and begging to be comforted. Really? Are we supposed to believe that Sookie is now falling in love with a six-year-old? Because, ew!! Why would any grown woman find that attractive as opposed to the confident, cocky, sexy, intelligent and exciting Sheriff of Area 5? Seriously, Sook, this is not an improvement. I repeat, this is not an improvement.

I’m just not convinced of Sookie’s sudden change of heart. Then again, she is acting like someone on the rebound. If the argument is that Eric is a rebound after Sookie’s break up with Bill, I could totally believe that. After you’ve had your heart ripped out by that lying and conniving Bill Compton, you too would want to find comfort in a seemingly innocent and childlike new love interest. Still, it’s ERIC F**KING NORTHMAN!! And he’s crying on your lap. Then again, this is what Sookie found attractive after Godric’s death. Or was that Eric’s blood in her? My head hurts.

One thing for sure, Sookie is a nurturer. She likes taking care of other people and now she has baby Eric to breast feed. This is a slight deviation from the books. Sookie is indeed nurturing and caring in the books, but when Eric loses his memories, he’s still grown up with his balls intact. He doesn’t need to be tucked in before bed and to cuddle after a bad dream. I must be one of the few people who is happy that Bill will be breaking up this whole Mommy and baby scene next week. How could Alan Ball and his writers take the most anticipated storyline of the Sookieverse and make it so wrong and unappealing to me?

I think I need a cuddle.

I’m just being honest: FREE JASON STACKHOUSE!

13 Jul

Dawn was the first to tie Jason to a bed

Enough is enough. From the very first season of True Blood, it was established that the character of Jason Stackhouse is nothing more than a sex object. It was made clear that Jason was only good at two things in his life – sex and football. A knee injury put an end to his football career, so Jason made the most of his talent as the town man-whore while moonlighting as a construction worker. Flash forward a few seasons and Jason is now Hotshot’s unwilling “Ghost Daddy” sperm donor while moonlighting as Bon Temps Sheriff’s deputy. It is always about sex with Jason. Always. It’s time that Jason is liberated from his dick. If Jason spends one more episode on his back, I’m going to start boycotting True Blood.

Jason's penis has brought him nothing but pain and suffering

Don’t get me wrong; I waited a long time for Amnesiac Eric, but he is not enough to cleanse my palate of the nasty taste of the gang-rape of Jason Stackhouse. I can’t believe I’m typing this, but I’d prefer to see Jason remain clothed for the rest of the season. He looked really hot in that Sheriff’s deputy uniform. C’mon, Alan Ball! FREE JASON STACKHOUSE!!! CLOTHES ON! DICK OFF!!

Looking good in uniform


Photo source: TrueBloodGuide.com

No True Blood No Problem: 24 Days till Doctor Who!

30 Mar

Eric, Bill, Sookie, Alcide, Pam, Jason, Sam, Tara and company are still months away, but there’s something sweet much closer on the horizon. Matt Smith returns as the eleventh incarnation of the last of the Time Lords in Doctor Who on April 23rd. Thank you, TV gods!

The latest trailer:

The new season promises a delicious list of guest stars including Michael Sheen (Underworld), Hugh Bonneville (Downtown Abbey) and Mark Sheppard (Supernatural, Firefly and a billion other Sci Fi shows).

No True Blood No Problem, but now the waiting sucks even more

6 Mar


(especially for those who have not read the books on which the series is based)

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