Tag Archives: Twilight

Alan Ball is the new Stephenie Meyer

15 Aug

Last night on True Blood, Sookie and Eric entered the shower, turned into Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, and entered the wintery wonderland of the Ice Queen’s Narnia, leaving me to ask “Where the fuck is Alsan?” I need him to break up this Twilightesque shitfest and restore Eric to some semblance of the viking warrior I know and love from Seasons 1-3 of this series and from Charlaine Harris’s novels and to shake Sookie out of her pedophilia.  Of course Alan Ball, inhabited by the spirit of Stephenie Meyer, wrote last night’s episode. Of course he did.  No one else knows how to take a concept that is steaming hot and dripping with sensuality and passion and turn it into cold, weepy, sacrin and juvenile escapism like Alan Ball/Stephenie Meyer. Sookie’s facial expression when she realized it was snowing was akin to Bella’s realization that Edward sparkled like diamonds in the sun. As she reached for Eric’s lovely ass, I reached for my sick bag.

It did not have to be so. Better, nay, more mature dialog could have saved that entire sequence and elevated it to true romance. Instead I was subjected to another installment of Sookie’s Adventures in Babysitting and Statutory Rape of a 6- foot 5-inch 12 year-old. Poor Little Ehwic just wants to stay foweva and foweva on the furry snow bed with his Sookie-bear. My shipping of Sookie and Eric shrunk like Eric’s … thingie … in the cold. Never thought I’d find a naked Alexander Skarsgard so unappealing.

So, I’m throwing down the gauntlet. I’m giving True Blood one last episode to make me give two shits about Eric and Sookie, or the rest of the cast for that matter. I still love you, Pam! I still love you, Jessica. Lafayette, get a haircut. The rest of y’all, besides (naked) Alcide, can kiss my ass! Oh, and Bill, fall on a stake already, your Highness.

It must be the True Blood withdrawal

7 Jul

Lord help me, I’m actually thinking of seeing Eclipse. Even though it’s full of ridiculous moments (warning: spoilers abound). Last year, I wrote the New Moon Survival Guide for those of us who are not Twi-hards  and now I find myself wanting to sit for 2 hours in their presence. Why? I think I must enjoy feeling superior around people with really bad taste. Right now I’m trying to put together a list of ten reason why I shouldn’t see the film and to be honest this list should take me 10 seconds.

1. Really really really really ridiculously bad acting (Taylor Lautner is the worst)

2. Really really really really ridiculously bad CGI

3. Kristen Stewart’s dead eyes

Who's the undead one - Edward or Bella?

4. Rob Pattinson’s pre-pubescent voice

5. The $9.45  ticket price seems steep considering that I can wait and watch it for free next summer at the kids festival

6. There’s no sex, apparently

7. Edward doesn’t die, apparently

8. Action sequences are often interrupted by forced and hackneyed romantic scenes

9. The dumbest and most ludicrous love triangle in the history of cinema – a mind-reading immortal and a werewolf fight over the lackluster and sometimes suicidal Bella Swan.

10. Bella doesn’t die, apparently

Still, somehow, there’s an invisible force pulling me to the cinema; it’s called boredom. Eclipse could be entertaining from an anthropological perspective.

New Moon Survival Guide

19 Nov

New Moon, the second installment of the Twilight Saga opens tomorrow. Those of us who are either unimpressed (swampmusic), uninterested (Ayn Rant and JoZ), slightly curious (Nibby and RetroVixen) or just moderate fans may want to prepare ourselves for the crazies. Believe me, there will be crazies. So here’s a guide to help you get through the days and weeks ahead. According to Dr. Nibs, the hysteria on this film should have a half-life about 3 weeks. Beyond that, it may be safe to carry out normal activities.

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Adventures in Sarcasm – New Moon

17 Nov

ARE YOU READY OR ARE YOU READY?!

The new Twilight movie is coming out this week, BBs!! Are you excited?!! Our dream vamp with the 4-star rating Volvo is going to Italy and CGI-Obvious werewolves are going to be bitch slapped in the face by a teenage girl. MY EXCITEMENT CANNOT BE CONTAINED. AND Star Trek is coming out on DVD tomorrow. I don’t think I can handle this much awesomeness in one week.

Edward's first cousin

My little pony sparkles like Edward Cullen

It’s all very ‘meh’ so far

19 Oct

I love the start of the Fall TV season. All the networks are doing their level best to grab my attention with their new shows, some of which will crash and burn shortly after the pilot airs, while others will drag on limping until mid-season replacements put them out of their misery. Even fewer will be bona fide hits, getting full episode orders after only airing a few episodes. It’s the fierce competition and the sheer incompetence of network executives at discerning brilliance from bullshit that draws me in. This year the good news is that there’s plenty of blood in the water. The bad news is that nothing seems to have captured my imagination. It’s all very ‘meh’ to me.

I want Mick St. John  to come back

I want Mick St. John to come back

Some shows are just so horrendous from conception that you have to wonder what utter tripe was passed up in favor of them. Mercy and Three Rivers come to mind. ER got canceled because of declining ratings, so why put on a watered-down, gutless version of it? Alex O’Loughlin is a very very very good looking man and I’ll watch anything he’s in but Three Rivers, a medical drama about organ transplants, makes me want to donate my own heart and brain for transplant immediately. How many stories can you really mine from such a limited premise? You all know how I feel about Jay Leno taking up 5 hours of precious prime time per week. I need his show canceled. I need it like the TV desert needs rain. Jay’s show is a sign that NBC has quit the gym, stopped shaving her legs, bought elastic-waisted pants, and let herself go. Melrose Place just sucks. Need I say more? I’ve already forgotten about The Forgotten. It’s like the worst parts of Cold Case and Without A Trace combined. Eastwick is a tricky one. It’s craptastic, but it could be fun in a Desperate Housewives meets Charmed (before Pru left) kind of way. I’ll watch for a little while.

One show that isn’t too horrible but could use a bit of vitamin B12 is The Vampire Diaries. It’s not True Blood and it never will be since it’s on a network, but it’s not Twilight light and puritan so no sparkly fangless vampires. The lead characters of Stefan and Elena could use more layers, or maybe it’s just the wooden acting of hottie Paul Wesley and pretty Nina Dobrev that has left me cold. Another newbie with potential is Flash Forward starring the non-airline-hostess-shagging Fiennes brother, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. Why does Joseph Fiennes always end up with the part of the cuckold, while his brother Ralph is the one you should never leave alone with your wife? If this show does nothing but save John Cho from doing another Harold and Kumar sequel, it will have served its purpose. Haven’t had a chance to check out Community and Modern Family, but from what my friends tell me, they’re worth a look.

glee58

Full of 'Glee'

The only thing coming close to awesome for me so far is Glee. I love musicals and the actors are just amazing, even if the writing is a bit tired and soapy. Fake pregnancies, love triangles and evil for the sake of being evil baddies – I expect that sort of thing from Days of Our Lives. My favorite character on that show is Sue Sylvester, played by veteran actress and Veronica Mars alumnus Jane Lynch. She’s insane but sometimes I agree with some of the horrible things she says. I do think that today’s children are being molly-coddled by the school system. However, I don’t agree with Sue’s method of countering this problem. She doesn’t care about being politically correct and there’s just something endearing about that.

I love minorities so much I’m thinking of moving to California to become one.

– Sue Sylvester, Glee

'Your resentment is delicious'

'Your resentment is delicious'

Photo source: TVGuide.com