Cracking up

Some gems from email, facebook and some of my favorite websites that I came across this week.

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“The ’90s proved one thing. If you leave your wife alone with Ralph Fiennes, you’re an idiot.”

— Teddy Durgin, Best Films of 1999 Review.

“You can tell your vagina to stop shaking and crying, because he was born via c-section. Although, you know that Indonesian woman’s vagina was bawling just like gigantababy….. , because it thought it was GAME OVER. It dodged a 19lb bullet. ”

– Michael K. of Dlisted.com on the 19lb baby born in Indonesia

“I’ve known people to get oddly attached to some pretty strange things, but this person sounds a little too fond of her fridge. The fridge has been good to you? She’s one step away from insisting that it go to a good home and calling the sales price a rehoming fee and requesting visitation rights.”

– drmk of You Suck at Craigslist about the sale of a family-friendly fridge

Customized by Badger

“Now that I think about it, I’m not sure English HAS the right word to describe this coffee table, since there isn’t a word that means “appears to have been spraypainted by a nearsighted epileptic badger with an anger management problem”. I’m sure German has a word for that, though.”

– drmk of You Suck at Craigslist about the gorgeous table above

“When I was a kid and still trying to grasp his omnipresence and the fact that he could “see everything”, as Dad told me, I was like, “Everything? How does he do that!!! Does he have eyes all the way around the back of his head?”

“So yeah. God has a head circled with eyes…..mysterious other features that aren’t really there…and a beard.”

– swampmusic on her image of God

“I just imagined God wearing one of those crazy Hawaiian shirts. And he has a beard for some reason. I dunno, God just strikes me as having a beard, should he actually decide to have a human form and go on vacation.”

– RetroVixen on her image of God on vacation.

“Angels and Demons alike use Sam and Dean like cheap hookers without lubrication to bring about the Apocalypse, except for one very very sexy and rebellious angel who sides with the brothers. The Prophet Chuck is revealed (and he’s kind of a dweeb).”

– Me, describing Season 4 of Supernatural

Super Tranny Mess

“No, this is not a picture of swine flu victim Marilyn Manson … in his jammies. It’s Nicolas Cage in a test shot for Superman back when Tim Burton was going to direct the remake.

“This shit looks more like SuperDepressedTranny, because Nicolas couldn’t look less excited about this mess. Or maybe he’s trying to secretly push out a stubborn fart bubble while stoned out of his skull. And I’m sure that fart reeked less than Superman Returns.”

– Michael K. of Dlisted.com

“He’s a Eurosexual. He’s just really friendly.”

– Me on Alexander Skarsgard dating everybody

“That’s exactly when I WOULD be flirting. Only because I like to be different. Heh. Great now I’m picturing myself submitting pee in a suave and sexy manner….ugh. ‘Soooo….do you come here often?'”

– swampmusic on flirting while giving a urine sample

“Basically, Edward saves Bella by driving up to the scene to rescuse her…WITH HIS VOLVO. It’s hard to pull off the badass look when driving a Volvo, but he makes it work.

“You know, I changed my mind. He truly is the perfect man, excluding the fact that he’s dead of course … sparkles when exposed to the sun, and when saving damsels in distress he makes sure to have nothing less than a 4-star safety rating vehicle waiting in the wings in case something dire should happen.”

– RetroVixen on her ‘favorite’ scene from Twilight

And an oldie but goodie,

“Nic Cage’s hair is jet black in a way that black jets are not.”

– Teddy Durgin, Bangkok Dangerous review