WTF, Anna Paquin? WTF?!! I adore you so much so this hurts like passing a kidney stone.
No. Seriously. Just no.
No. No. Um … no. Not even on the set of Cleopatra. The hemline is jacked and I don’t even want to talk about the overwrought shoulders and bust.
No, no, no, no, no, no. That is what you tell the stylist who put you in this get up, next time. Actually, next time say “Fuck no!”
Photo by Matthew Rolston for RollingStone.com
Source: RollingStone.com
While the show True Blood is just a guilty-pleasure for most, for me it is almost a full-time obsession. I’ve watched both seasons on numerous occasions and like to take note of all the valuable lessons I’ve learned. One thing I have noticed is the show’s love for men with really well defined abs. While none of the men on the show could be classified as normal, they seem pretty well-adjusted, that is, able to deal with all the crazy shit that goes on in Bon Temps. Join me as I go over some of the mental and physical health lessons I’ve gleaned from two seasons of True Blood.
Lesson 1: Build upper-body strength
Make racerback tanks part of your gym ensemble
Look at Alexander Skarsgard’s transformation in just a few short years. He’s definitely got broader shoulders and more defined biceps and triceps. His pecs are pectacular. On the show, Eric keeps himself in great shape by bench-pressing vampire-haters and v-dealers. Also, those people who use religion to preach hate (e.g. Steve Newlin) make great dumbbells. Both men and women can benefit greatly from improved upper-body strength. Stronger shoulders and back muscles help to keep your spine in alignment.
Lesson 2: Be there for others
Sometimes our own troubles seem insurmountable and sometimes it feels like you’re drowning in your own shit that you’ve got nothing left to give, but this is exactly the time when you must give. Being there for others even when chaos rules your own life helps to put things in perspective. Things could always be worse, and for some one out there, it actually is. Taking a break from your own problems and dealing with someone else’s can be rejuvenating and empowering.
Lesson 3: Minimize your Middle
Absofabulous
As we all know, carrying excess weight around the middle can be detrimental to your health. It can also make for a disgusting sight if you’re Mike Spencer and you’re lying naked on Sookie Stackhouse’s kitchen floor or if you’re Andy Bellefleur and you dance like “an epileptic on meth”. So, take a page from Jason Stackhouse – work out like a mofo and watch lots of “educational” porn. You’ll learn stuff.
Lesson 4: Don’t bottle things up
I (heart) heart-to-hearts
Dealing with trauma, stress or grief is a lot easier if you allow someone else to share the burden with you. Who better than someone who shares the same experiences or has always been there for you in the past? Lafayette found a kindred spirit in Terry Bellefleur while dealing with the fallout of his imprisonment and torture by Eric. No one is ever truly alone. NO ONE. Jason went looking for meaning and purpose in all the wrong places following the death of his grandmother, the deaths of his lovers, Maudette, Dawn and Amy and the death of Eddie by the hands of Amy. He couldn’t tell Sookie, or his best friend Hoyt about his inner turmoil. Instead telling a stranger, Sarah Newlin, who exploited Jason’s confusion and made things worse.
Lesson 5: Don’t forget about your legs, hips and thighs
Eric regularly flexes his leg muscles to drop kick or launch the latest annoying fangbanger at Fangtasia into the next Sheriff’s area. Lafayette likes to get a good workout by swinging his hips, squatting and gyrating for Eric or on video for his many legions of fans. As a result, the consummate entrepreneur has a great pair of gams. It’s great when you can find a way to exercise without it feeling like work.
Lesson 6: Get in the water
The water looks inviting
I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. The best shape I have ever been in is when I was 14 and went swimming 3 times per week. Back then I really wasn’t concerned about how I looked in a bathing suit and I was the fastest, beating the boys in my swim class regularly. I don’t swim now because I can’t abide chlorine, but these new salt-water pools are giving me hope that very soon I could be making a return to the pool. Sam Merlotte enjoys a relaxing swim every now and then. Swimming is great because of the low impact on your joints.
Can you see Anna Paquin in this photo? I can’t. Apparently she’s there somewhere. I’m not the only one having trouble as well. Mama Vamp can’t see her either.
Where's Anna?
swampmusic, you may need to get out the monocle. Oh, wait, it’s only for examining balls. Nevermind.
After watching two seasons of True Blood, I think I have learned a thing or two about relationships, or rather how not to act while in a relationship.
"No power in the 'verse!"
That’s the equivalent of challenging the universe and the universe is bigger than you and your lover and so you will always lose. Just be happy with the time that you have together. Instead tell your significant other that you enjoy every second you have together and that you should not take a second for granted. Ever notice that just as you’re feeling that your love is epic and the stuff that legends are made of, an ex will show up on the scene just to confuse you or to cause trouble.
Never count the tall blond out.
Once again, you are waking a sleeping giant (in Eric’s case he’s literally a giant) who obviously loves a challenge. Backing your romantic rival into a corner leads to some extreme and devious behavior. Just ask Lorena. Don’t always assume that he or she will play by the same code or rules like you. Also, if your romantic rival is older, wiser and way hotter, you might want to wait till the game clock has run out before you’ve declared victory.
She's his momma! Where are you from?
Being too keen can be considered a serious turn off. It’s perfectly fine to bring flowers when meeting parental figures but it’s probably going a bit overboard to murder someone in the name of your loved one when you’ve been dating for less than 2 weeks. Also, biting his mother is usually a no-no, no matter how much she deserved it.
Tara loved her scrambled Eggs
If you find that you have significant gaps in your memory whenever you get together with your new love, it’s probably a good time to rethink the whole deal. Maybe a little time a part will be useful. If the blackouts are accompanied by mysterious bruises and tell-tale signs of sexual activity, it’s time to run and possibly get a restraining order.
Those lips taste like lies!
Or have sex on a pool table. There’s a reason they say only fools rush in. Extreme loneliness is a piss poor excuse for exercising such lack of judgment. If you do decide to go for it early on, don’t get greedy (and drink several pints of his blood), take it slow. So what if the freckles in your eyes are mirror images and when you kiss they’re perfectly aligned? It’s time to come down now to reality. No one is perfect. Paranoia can be healthy in small doses.
Unbreak my heart
After spending many years together (like a millennium, for example) you will see that your relationship will evolve, with periods of heightened attraction followed by lulls only for things to get spicy again. To everything there is a season, a beginning and an end. Eventually you will have to go your separate ways. Maybe it will be a mutual decision. Maybe you’ll be pushed away. Maybe death will separate you. However it happens, you need to make your peace with it. Cry blood if you must, but life goes on.
Without trust there can be no love.
I know I said earlier that paranoia is healthy in small doses, but sometimes you need to give your significant other a chance to earn your trust and prove his- or herself. There’s no point in being in a relationship if you just intend to hide your heart away in a vault and lose the combination. At some point you have to let the right one in.
Photo source: Blood Bonds
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