I’m just being honest: I’m not worried about my eggs going bad

This is to all the people out there that have an opinion about the product of my ovaries and what I should or should not be doing about them. FUCK YOU!

Now that we’ve gotten that piece of business out of the way, I’d like to talk about why I have decided (and it is MY FUCKING DECISION) not to have children on my own. I will not be going to a fertility clinic or sperm bank to get turkey-basted with the issue of some anonymous donor. No thank you. For those of you who have made contributions to sperm banks, I appreciate your kindness. I will not be hitting up my male friends for sperm donations either. I think the world of you guys, but if I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with you, I don’t want to have your babies. I will not be barhopping hoping to get knocked up by a one-night-stand or try to catch sperm off passing truck drivers. That’s a bit too hazardous for me. I will not have my eggs saved in a freezer for later use, just so I can have a teenager when I’m in my 60s. When my eggs go, they go. I’m not “bovvred”. Finally, I am not going to adopt a baby from a developing country to raise on my own.

So, these are the things I won’t do. What I want to do is have a child with a man that I love and respect and who I know, even in the event of our relationship ending, will be a good father. You see, I want to give any child that I have at least what I had growing up. My father was awesome. My mother was amazing. Together, they were The Super Parents! I know myself. I know my faults and limitations. I could not singlehandedly provide what both my parents gave me to a child. I can’t. If I had to, I would try, but I know that I couldn’t come close to the awesomeness of my parents. I applaud all the single mothers out there that despite all the obstacles raise well-rounded and confident children. I know quite a few of these amazing women, and I know that I am not made of their stuff. I’m not.

So, if I never find that special man in time to have children the old-fashioned way or we can’t adopt a child because of our advanced age, I am prepared to be childless. I have come to this conclusion after lots of meditation and soul searching. Years from now I know that some people will see this childless old woman and think that I chose my career or that I was too selfish to be a mother. FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. They don’t know me. If I was truly selfish, I’d be Octomom.

In this instance, I am a quitter

I have decided to quit on-line dating … AGAIN. It’s just not for me and it has been incredibly demoralizing. I realize that I’m not the type of person that someone will be attracted to in bite-size form. I’m one of those desserts you have to eat a couple times to acquire a taste for it. I’m not saying I’m difficult, well, actually I am saying that. I am also saying that I’m not for mass consumption. That’s a good and a bad thing. I’ve got more in common with goat cheese and haggis than I’d like to admit. I wish I was more like tiramisu, but I certainly don’t want to be a bag of Doritos.

On-line dating requires you to describe yourself in tiny and catchy snippets. Then you’re expected to choose photos strategically – ones that make you look light, fun, adventurous, and (most importantly) skinny. You’re encouraged to exaggerate your strengths and completely omit any weaknesses. You’re discouraged from writing passive-aggressive statements like “I’m tired of games” and “assholes need not apply” even though that’s really how you feel. When it comes down to it, on-line dating doesn’t allow me to represent myself in an honest and meaningful way.

So, fuck it.

Haggis: Jeebus of Nazabeth, that looks so disgusting! No wonder no one wants to date me. 😦

If you have single friends, please read this

Normally I find the advice columns on Yahoo! absolutely banal and useless. In the end, I always wish for the 30 seconds to 5 minutes back. Today, I was surprised to find some truth and relevance in Erin Meanley’s “19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person“. Perhaps it felt true because the 19 things were gathered from Twitter. I like it so much, I want to print it out and put in the mailboxes of all of my married friends. ALL OF THEM. As much as I love them and respect them, they are all guilty of uttering these cliches at one time or another.

My Mother, who I absolutely adore, is guilty of saying “You’ll find him when you’re not looking,” at least once every few weeks and twice on my birthday. She’s been saying it since I was 21 years old and then a first-time bridesmaid. I need her to stop with that B S now. In fact, if I’m ever so lucky to have a daughter, I will never tell her this. NEVER, as God is my witness. When I first heard it, it was comforting and I sorta believed it. Later on, I began to believe that my search efforts were actually sabotaging my chances and my perceived lack of patience was to blame. In other words, because I kept looking, I was not deserving. I am so over that shit. Now 10+ years later, when I hear those words from her lips, I want to throw furniture against the walls and eat nails.

My dear married friend, Krissy, is guilty of saying “I live vicariously through you and your exciting single life.” Yeah, thanks. I’m glad my lack of a successful coupling is entertaining to you. I should merrily go on a billion nerve-racking first dates just so you can have the simple joys of helping me pick out my outfit, going over strategies to get that second date or how to extricate myself from a loser, and consoling me when it inevitably goes south. I realize that it’s important that it goes south, otherwise there would be nothing to bitch about. I understand that the comment has good intentions, but it’s condescending as all Hell and you know what they say about the pathway to Hell.

My least favorite comments occur at weddings. It’s gotten to the point where I dread weddings.  I have at least 1 to attend this summer. It’s like I have to justify my lifestyle while at the same time frown upon it. It always begins with “Why are you still single?” or “Don’t you want to be married?” I haven’t gotten to the point of running out of the banquet hall in tears yet, but who knows what will happen this wedding season. So, I am begging all of you married/long-term relationship people, if you happen to be at a wedding this year and you’re chatting with a single friend, PLEASE don’t do this. Don’t make an already intolerably awkward situation for a single person into a waking nightmare. Also, if you see a single person being needlessly harassed in this way, it is your duty as a charitable human being to interrupt and rescue that individual.

By the way, TLC, I fucking hate you with your “Say Yes to the Dress” and “Wedding Fridays”. It’s completely and utterly insensitive.

Singles Awareness Day Blog: First Date Butterflies

Imagine that you’ve put in a lot of hard work surveying your friends and relatives, and scouring the dating and social networking sites in the hopes of finding someone who doesn’t scream “serial killer” or “lives in mom’s basement” and you’ve finally been successful in nabbing that all-important first date. You’ve agreed on a time and a place. You’ve conferenced with your girlfriends about what to wear and what key signals to look for. You’ve tasked one of them with the job of calling the police if you don’t make it home by a certain time. You’ve primped, you’ve shaved and you’ve painted your toenails. You’ve removed the cat hair from your trousers just in case he’s got pet allergies.