In this instance, I am a quitter

I have decided to quit on-line dating … AGAIN. It’s just not for me and it has been incredibly demoralizing. I realize that I’m not the type of person that someone will be attracted to in bite-size form. I’m one of those desserts you have to eat a couple times to acquire a taste for it. I’m not saying I’m difficult, well, actually I am saying that. I am also saying that I’m not for mass consumption. That’s a good and a bad thing. I’ve got more in common with goat cheese and haggis than I’d like to admit. I wish I was more like tiramisu, but I certainly don’t want to be a bag of Doritos.

On-line dating requires you to describe yourself in tiny and catchy snippets. Then you’re expected to choose photos strategically – ones that make you look light, fun, adventurous, and (most importantly) skinny. You’re encouraged to exaggerate your strengths and completely omit any weaknesses. You’re discouraged from writing passive-aggressive statements like “I’m tired of games” and “assholes need not apply” even though that’s really how you feel. When it comes down to it, on-line dating doesn’t allow me to represent myself in an honest and meaningful way.

So, fuck it.

Haggis: Jeebus of Nazabeth, that looks so disgusting! No wonder no one wants to date me. 😦

My date was not a pinhead in the generic sense

In fact, he was the Pinhead. He was intelligent and articulate, but not particularly easy on the eyes. Actually, he was rather painful to look at. I decided I would give him a chance, even though his photo on his eHarmony profile seemed to have been taken at his acupuncturist’s office. He apparently has major migraines and this is the only thing he knows that works. I can relate. One time, my migraine was so debilitating, I fantasized about taking a drill to my head. True story.

I decided that we should meet for coffee in a public place after the horror that was my last first date. Thanks, Mom. Anyway, he showed up in a full leather ensemble that looked one-part Dracula and one-part Neo from the matrix. In other words he looked like the Archbishop of S&M. I was not impressed. I figured that he must have been from some alternate dimension or he just hadn’t been on a date in years. Everybody knows that on the first date, you try to look as cookie-cutter as possible and on future dates once you’re feeling more comfortable, you can bring out all your freaky shit from storage. I certainly wasn’t going to show him my storage locker until the third or fourth date.

Still, I was optimistic because of the gentlemanly way in which he greeted me and pulled out the chair for me … with his mind. I almost fainted and rightly so. After all the douche bags and small penises I’ve dated, I deserve a telekinetic. Just think of the possibilities. I immediately asked him what else he could do but he just ignored that question and asked me if I was a religious person.

“Do you believe in Hell? Would you like to know more about it?”

“Well, there was this one Christmas I was in this long line at the gift wrap at Sears and I swear I was almost okay with the ground opening up and swallowing me whole. Does that count?”

“Not really.”

“Oh, sorry.” I tried hard to think of something else to say but my mind was a wasteland.

“I don’t think this is going to work,” he said after some time.

“But I just sat down.”

“You don’t have a soul worth taking.”

Okay, that was way harsh, and had I not been worried about making a scene, I would have burst into tears right then and there. I tried to remain classy.

“Well, fuck you and the hellhound you rode in on!”

“I think you should leave now, before I change my mind.” He seemed so sad and resigned as he said this.

“Wait, so you mean there’s a chance?”

He looked at me like I had three eyes in my head. Dude! You’re the one with the weird piercings, I thought. Realizing that I may have sounded a tad desperate or pathetic, I cleared my throat and stood up.

“Well, good luck with your search for a soul mate.”

Who ever she is, I do not envy her. Kissing him without drawing blood would require special skills that I do not possess. Oh well. Better luck next time.

My Date with Jason Voorhees

I guess I should have known things wouldn’t turn out well when my date showed up wearing a hockey mask. I distinctly put on my e-Harmony profile that I don’t want to be a hockey-widow and cannot abide guys who are so obsessed with the sport that it permeates every aspect of their lives. It’s just annoying. I will not be second to hockey! His refusal to take off the mask was really off-putting. I was beginning to think that the mommy-issues he mentioned on his profile were not his only problems.

Still, he was wearing camping apparel – cargo pants, a faded and moth-eaten army-surplus jacket, a plain t-shirt and hiking boots – and since I like camping I thought I should remain open-minded. Also, I have some overgrown shrubs in the backyard and his large machete made me optimistic. He even demonstrated his branch-slashing techniques as he came through the doorway. How thrilling, I thought. He seemed a bit nervous though, because he continued to mime slashing the brush away even as I invited him into the living room for some tea and cookies. Eventually, I just took the machete from him and placed it in the coat closet.

That seemed to signal to him that I was ready for sexy time because he cleared the coffee table with one sweep of his hand and threw me down on the couch. I told him that I don’t usually do this on the first date and tried to get him to slow down a bit but he was all hands. He seemed to like squeezing my neck and twisting my arms. I told him that I’m not averse to rough sex but I thought we should at least get to know each other better and at minimum establish a safe word. He seemed puzzled.

Fortunately, at that very moment the phone rang. I let it go to the answering machine since I prefer to screen all my calls. It was my mother calling to remind me that the pharmacy had sent my yeast infection medication to her house by accident. With that, Jason was out of there. Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. He even had something green growing behind his ears and he had a foul odor. Who was he to judge me?

Anyway, I don’t expect a call back.

I’m just being honest

I’ve decided that Monday is the best day to get stuff out in the open. This week, I will be listing the 7 things that turn me off from a dude’s online profile aside from  smoking six packs a day and not knowing the difference between “they’re”, “there” and “their”.

1. Being vague, using clichés or being too general. I’ll give you an example:

I like honesty and openness in a relationship. I also like women with two eyes and ten toes.

2. Being too specific and weird. I hate it when guys insist that the person they are looking for must love to do a particular activity or worse a particular set of activities. Here’s an example:

I like to scrapbook and spend many hours a week scrapbooking. It is essential that you share my interests, otherwise there is something seriously wrong with you and I pity you from the bottom of my prickish heart.

3. No pictures, old pictures, group pictures, out-of-focus pictures, faraway pictures, a billion photos of you with other people’s children, pictures with your motorcycle, truck, car, boat or object from which you derive 99% of your self-esteem (and that includes photos in which your legs are splayed and your package is a focal point).

Drunk partying photos are a turn off, even if you look like Michael Jordan

4. Going on and on about your golf game, your expertise as a fisherman, your collection of X, your obsession with hockey

5. You list “workaholic” as opposed to “strong work ethic” as a good quality. There is a difference. I really don’t need to explain that. I work to live, not live to work.

6. “I’m just looking to see what’s out there.” Really? Could you be more generic? That combined with “I’ll let you cry on my shoulder” scares the shit out of me.

7. One or more of the following words are part of your username: Northern, southern, urban, cowboy, country, city, rat, hard, long, big, professor, lady-killer, LOL, cuddly, randy, hot, hottie, hott, hotz, hawt, baby, bad, boner, score, new in town (seriously?), rocket, rocky, rock …

You’ve got to admire their balls

So far, almost every guy that has contacted me on the various online dating sites where I am registered has been over 50 with children or grandchildren living at home. The best was this 72 year-old guy who claimed to have “jingle fever”.  I think he meant to type “jungle fever”, but whatever.

There are plenty of men in their 50s and over that I find attractive but I am looking for something lasting,  don’t think that these older gents that have contacted me have that in mind. Right now, I’m not offended but just a bit annoyed. Maybe the older gents are the only ones ballsy enough to message me. Maybe I’m intimidating.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Um, no. I don’t think so.