What exactly are you looking for?

So one of the wonderful things about WordPress is that it gives you all these statistics on visitors to your blog, as well as the links and search engine queries that bring them to your wonderful little neck of the internet. Most visitors come here because of that post on Farscape Webisodes, hoping like I am to finally get some news from Syfy about when we can expect to see new material. Imagine the disappointment when they realize that my post is just another whino’s lament. The latest news came out of this year’s Comic Con, in which it was announced that the webisodes were still in the pipeline. Well, frell me dead. In 40 years will I be sitting on my porch telling my grandchildren that there once was a dream called “Farscape Webisodes” and some day, after the meek inherit the Earth, the TV god who comes shall finally keep his promise?

The second largest group of visitors want to see Alexander Skarsgard drinking, shirtless, in his underwear or just naked, preferably with Stark Sands by his side. I’m right there with you. In third place, are visitors seeking “21 things to do when your 21″. To these lovely individuals I must add a 22nd item: learn the difference between “you’re” and “your” before your 22nd birthday or before you’re 22.

Some of the other visitors leave me absolutely baffled. Why would anyone want to search for gassy vegetarians? Are gassy vegetarians the new Old Spice Man? If so, I don’t see it, or smell it for that matter. Three people searched for their “own cleavage,” like it’s for sale. Oh, wait a minute … Wouldn’t “breast enhancement” be a much better search query?

Anyway, you will not be disappointed if you came looking for:

• Ryan Reynold’s cheese grater abs
• Jared Padelecki boy next door
• Hatred for Zac Efron hair
• True Blood fangover cures

You will be sorely disappointed if you came looking for:

• vintage conch shell people (WTF?)
• an uneven tits gallery (Seriously, is this a fetish?)
• vacuuming naked (That’s just asking for trouble)
• sexually biting testicles (No comment)

I wish I were making this shit up because then I would be awesome but the truth is I am not that awesome.

So far no one besides Ayn has come seeking Vladimir Putin. This makes me very sad.

He can kill you with his deadly nipples.

June 2010 better come soon

The premiere of season 3 of True Blood better come soon or I might find myself cheating on Alexander Skarsgard. I know! I know! It is inconceivable!

The last thing I want is an angry Swede on my hands but ...

A single man in possession of a good bottom must be in want of a girlfriend

I don’t care who Alexander Skarsgard dates – man, woman, man-bear-pig, sheep, the great state of Lousiana, a hoover vacuum. Please, people of the internet, let him have a life. You know he will make beautiful babies and he cannot do that if he’s a monk. Just saying.

Personally, I think they make a cute couple