New year, new love … er, I mean new lust

So it came to past that as the year 2011 expired and the year 2012 began, I found myself spared of thoughts of Alexander Skarsgard. Overnight, my daydreams had a new master – not blonde, not Swedish, not a vampire, not a werewolf, not a wizard, not a fairy, not a ghost, not a demon, nor a hunter of any of these supernatural things. My lust has a new Sheriff, and he is a cowboy. He makes more sense as an object of my affection and makes madness out of the last three years. Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? I am just grateful to my friends for their forbearance and understanding over Alexander. I am sane again. The King is dead. Long live the King.

Timothy Olyphant as Raylan Givens in Justified on FX

Faux News: Arsenal, City, United and Chelsea in battle to sign kicking fetus

Expectant mother, Lizabetta Cordona Espero of Majorca, Spain has a very difficult decision to make. With a stroke of a pen, she could be setting up her family for life. She could also be setting up her unborn son for a life of heavy expectations as the next big young thing in English football. It all started when at 5 months into her pregnancy, Lizabetta began to experience severe abdominal pains. Ultrasounds revealed her unborn son was using his twin sister’s head as a football. Soon word got out and news of her unborn son’s unparalleled coordination and football prowess reached the ears of Arsene Wenger. Wenger has shown in the past his willingness to snatch babies from their mothers’ breasts and bring then into Arsenal’s system. Now it seems as if Wenger can’t wait for the delivery of Lizabetta’s twins.

Wenger has made several visits to Lizabetta’s hometown and has spoken to her and her husband, Carlos, on numerous occasions all in the hope of assuring them that their signing away the life of their child into football servitude is in no way premature. As news of Wengers interest caught the attention of the EPL’s other big managers, interest in Baby A, as Lizabetta’s unborn son is known in her prenatal medical records, has skyrocketed. Sir Alex Ferguson has been heard saying that if he can’t have Baby A, he intends to make sure that Wenger can’t have him either.

“Over my dead body! He probably won’t start for any team until after I’m in adult diapers but that’s besides the point,” said City manager Roberto Mancini. “Why should Wenger have a monopoly on the future?” Other managers seem to share this sentiment as officials from Chelsea and Tottenham have also been in contact with Lizabetta and her family.

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or dead, is for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

I’m just being honest: I’m not worried about my eggs going bad

This is to all the people out there that have an opinion about the product of my ovaries and what I should or should not be doing about them. FUCK YOU!

Now that we’ve gotten that piece of business out of the way, I’d like to talk about why I have decided (and it is MY FUCKING DECISION) not to have children on my own. I will not be going to a fertility clinic or sperm bank to get turkey-basted with the issue of some anonymous donor. No thank you. For those of you who have made contributions to sperm banks, I appreciate your kindness. I will not be hitting up my male friends for sperm donations either. I think the world of you guys, but if I don’t want to be in a committed relationship with you, I don’t want to have your babies. I will not be barhopping hoping to get knocked up by a one-night-stand or try to catch sperm off passing truck drivers. That’s a bit too hazardous for me. I will not have my eggs saved in a freezer for later use, just so I can have a teenager when I’m in my 60s. When my eggs go, they go. I’m not “bovvred”. Finally, I am not going to adopt a baby from a developing country to raise on my own.

So, these are the things I won’t do. What I want to do is have a child with a man that I love and respect and who I know, even in the event of our relationship ending, will be a good father. You see, I want to give any child that I have at least what I had growing up. My father was awesome. My mother was amazing. Together, they were The Super Parents! I know myself. I know my faults and limitations. I could not singlehandedly provide what both my parents gave me to a child. I can’t. If I had to, I would try, but I know that I couldn’t come close to the awesomeness of my parents. I applaud all the single mothers out there that despite all the obstacles raise well-rounded and confident children. I know quite a few of these amazing women, and I know that I am not made of their stuff. I’m not.

So, if I never find that special man in time to have children the old-fashioned way or we can’t adopt a child because of our advanced age, I am prepared to be childless. I have come to this conclusion after lots of meditation and soul searching. Years from now I know that some people will see this childless old woman and think that I chose my career or that I was too selfish to be a mother. FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. They don’t know me. If I was truly selfish, I’d be Octomom.

Faux News: Cashier gets 3 consecutive life-sentences for scanning can of soup twice

Neptune, California – Lydia Bunting, 25, a former cashier at Safeway, was recently sentenced to 3 consecutive life-sentences without the possibility of parole for scanning a can of soup twice while checking out well-known penny-pincher, Dorothy Millhaps three months ago. The sentence came as a complete shock to both the defense and state attorneys.

“Well, to be honest, this shouldn’t have made it to court. At worst, the state should have offered a deal. At best, Mrs. Millhaps should have just pointed out the error at the register and none of the chain of events that lead to this poor young woman spending the rest of her life in jail for a simple mistake would have happened,” complained public defender, Marjorie Wailand. “No one seemed to use their common sense.”

“Common sense? What’s that?” The state attorney’s office said that they didn’t have the luxury of using common sense. “We’re not paid by taxpayers to do that. It doesn’t say anything about using common sense in my contract or in the constitution. I think that would set a dangerous trend if we all started thinking for ourselves beyond the scope of our jobs.”

Mrs. Millsaps expressed little remorse at having the cashier arrested. “Well, I think the judge was a bit harsh. A year or two in jail would have been sufficient. If she’d just shed a few tears and licked my boots when I accused her of being a “dirty, thieving whore” I don’t think I’d have even called the manager.”

So what can we take away from these unfortunate events?

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Disclaimer: Please note that Faux News is just that – fake news. Any mention of actual persons or assholes, living or dead, is for the sake of humor. Nothing here is to be taken seriously or as fact. You can judge the merit for yourself.

 

A Sonnet for Angel Kitty

So, I wanted to write down something about my dearly departed kitty without being overly dramatic. Well, that didn’t work out.  Iambic pentameter be damned.

A Sonnet for Angel Kitty

I took you into my home reluctantly,

Your shaggy unkempt hair, clump’d and matted.

You took me into your heart completely,

Once your hair was brushed, your belly fatted.

You became my little confidant, friend,

Taught me the true meaning of loyalty.

I felt calm in your presence and in the end

Never more in touch with humanity.

Forced to choose between you and cat demon,

Regret never displayed its ashen face.

You tried, willing your body to go on,

Holding steady till the final embrace.

Life, death, time and space will never sever.

You will be a part of me forever.